He had been distant the last two days. There was a thick blanket of stress and tension hovering around us. I tried to ignore it; I’ve seen him like this before. I did not want to make the situation anymore “difficult".
However, tonight I had to ask him what was wrong, what was happening with him, what was bothering him. His being miserable was making me miserable and I told him that. Not to be a bitch…but I needed him to know, it’s impacting us all negatively. I really wanted to fix “Us" but he had to talk to me…
He told me he was still depressed, that he had given up on himself, that he's pretty much given up on everything. He is unhappy with his life. He’s not sure where to go or what direction to take. He wanted to do this and that, how he wanted to get his Ph.D and how he is too old now and how he lost his chance. He hates his job, he hates the people he works with, he hates where his job has gone. He is sad that he can’t provide us with a better life, or how he feels he messed up as a parent with B and that he feels he may screw up E as well…so many things…and I've heard it all before. But…he doesn't do anything to try to fix it or make it better. I've heard him complain about this for years.
I understand that he is unhappy. I explained that it does him no good to sit there year after year complaining and then doing nothing. But he doesn't know what to do. Quite honestly, I think he’s afraid. Its natural to feel lost and misplaced when looking for a different path. Failure is scary, but regret is worse…and I think he’s “regretting”. All talk, no action…time NOT well spent.
He kept referring to “…he’s 50 now”. Age is just a number, cliché I know, but it didn't matter if he was 80 and wanted to do something different…I would be there to support him through his successes AND his failures. He said he is too old to be experimenting with life. What comes out of my mouth next may have been an ass move, but I told him that it was no one’s fault but his own. He’s been complaining about this for over 15 years now… Every time he gets like this, he starts looking at job sites, or talks about taking classes in other fields that he is interested in…and I always remind him of this. He’s put all this effort into updating his resume (just in case) … He even gets college credit that his work will pay for, but he has yet to do anything. I asked why…. why not take some classes and see what happens?
You won’t believe the shit he said, “We have Ethan now”. Say what?? Excuse me… what was the excuse 15 years ago when he was complaining about his job and there was no Ethan? Here is what literally broke everything…he said, “if I take classes 2 or 3 nights a week, are you going to be ok with him by yourself?” *Jaw Drops*
Whoa, where the hell am I?? The twilight zone? Is he saying I can't take care of my son by myself? I’ll spare you the details, but he basically made me feel like all of this was my fault because I can’t do anything without him. Somehow, we ended up talking about how I always ask him to go out with me… I’m sick and tired of sitting at home and being ignored by him… watching him sit on the couch with the tv on and him surfing through his phone. Yes, I want to get out of the house…yes, I asked him to come too…that’s bad? It’s not like he had no choice. I didn’t want to just get up and leave, so I asked him to come along. He could have said no. I was done…I got out of bed and got dressed. I had to leave.
It’s almost midnight and I find myself driving. Where? I have no freaking idea. But I had to get out. Its been a long time since I’ve done a field trip. But I'm in Escondido at Denny’s, which is rather sketchy lol. I don’t know how or why I ended up here, but I think its time to leave. Now the question is….do I keep going South or do I turn around and go home? I don’t know. But I’m tired…that’s for sure…I'll be back when…IF…I find another safe pit stop.
I'm sad...
Sad that you don't have any faith in me.
Sad that you don’t trust me enough to discuss your concerns with.
Sad that I don't want to go home.
Holy crap! Where did these winds come from? They are horrible!
