Empty Promises....the little things

We made promises to ourselves...for me...for you...for us...for life.

Silly things that we take for granted...for example:

We would start cleaning up WHILE cooking, this way there's not a huge mess at the end of dinner when we are already stuffed and ready for sleep.

-OR-

We would put things away after we are done with them and not waiting til later to do it. We all know it never happens and ends up becoming a pile on the kitchen counter, or a pile on the couch.

Guilty....yes...I am...but so are you...

What is it that makes us say things and then forget it was ever mentioned?

Heres one for you... all those "swear on my life" or "promise to do this...or that..." when things almost ended with us and then as soon as things were at a somewhat happy medium...its back to what it was before...HOPEFULLY without the cheating on me part.

Maybe I just suck?  I'm the product of my own complaints...I admit it...so I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I put it all on you when I too have fallen back to the old me.  Did I mention I wasn't the one who cheated?  Ok low blow...how do we fix this?

I'm scared its not ever going to be fixed and that I've fallen prey to my own hopeless fantasies...

Just Unknown

As I sit through my haze of depression and self pity....I wonder WTF?!  It's been a trying last few months to say the least, but I'm making strides.  I feel overworked, over stressed, under paid, under appreciated, angry, confused, cheated, unloved, unwanted, grateful, determined, willing, inspired, strong, oh and overworked and under appreciated...hmm think I said that already...damn. Did I mention conufused??

I miss "me" stuff and have been trying to find it again.  Actually I miss "us" stuff but sometimes I think he doesn't want it so I back off.  I don't know where he is half the time...his body is here on the couch but spiritually he is elsewhere.  I just don't know if he really wants to be here.  Perhaps I am the stupid one for thinking we could fix things.  He ensures me that he does...

Dazed and confused...

Migraines....GO AWAY!!

I came home early today...the migraines are still hanging around and figured some sleep would do me good.  So here I am...no sleep, no relaxing, planning out the weeks dinner and grocery list. Now I need to get some work done for lessons this week.  What is my issue?

The stress in my life is going to kill me. I've had my migraines for almost two weeks now. Not major ones like they have been, but they are lurking somewhere behind my eyes.  I can feel it. On top of that the paranoia I have about my husband and his infidelities are still causing me grief. This is no way to live.  I feel blindsided.

The past few months have just really been an up and down rollercoaster for me, but I am strong.

I just need to look around and find the blessings in disguise that I have surrounded myself with.  I'm thankful for the close friends that I have that I am able to get together with and have lunch and just de-stress and enjoy good company.  I'm very low key about my "issues" in life. I don't feel like dealing with the labels or dealing with having to justify myself all the time for the choices I makes.  I already have to justify things to myself. That's bad enough.

I'm strong? Idk...

Will things ever change?

I'm starting to believe that I really am a fucking idiot to believe things would ever change. All the promises, all the talks, all the hope...I feel as if we are back to the same old situation of being two people married but living single in the same house.  Where is my husband?

Live to regret?

I asked for a divorce but he wants to work things out. Am I a dumbass for not wanting to throw away 15 years together?? Maybe I am...I'm so paranoid and freaking stressed out from everything. I don't know ifi can take it much longer.

Birthday? Whatever!

Fuck you and your birthday. Tell ur lover to treat you.

Shattered...

I have no heart to be here talking... I'm dying inside... I'm hurting inside... I'm shattered.

Lets face it, I'm no prize, but when I met my husband I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. How cliche is that?? Is my own fault. I knew something was wrong. I chose to ignore it and pray it would die on its own. Well it didn't. It got worse. I'm a fucking dumbass. I really feel like dying right now... Don't like living.

He's cheating on me. I caught him Sunday. I walked out of the bedroom and he shoved something in his pocket. When I confronted him about it he said it was a "toy" and that he was embarrassed to show me it. I didn't let him off that easy.  Long story short... He had a pre paid cell phone which he was texting his lover with. God I can't do this right now...I wanna scream!!!?.,,!!

What going on?

There is something really not right here. He's always on that damn computer now even when watching tv. He thinks I don't see him switch his screens when I come in. I'm not stupid. I have a sneaking suspicion of what's going on. He's done this before. Idk if want to confront him about it or drop hints. Yeah right...like he knows what a hint is...god damnit!

Gasping....Choking....

Help me! I'm lo
...Hello? Am I here?

Can u see (read) me? I wonder...are my eyes open? WTF?!

It was midnight when I was finally able to lay my not-so-sleepy head down to sleep. Its almost unheard of...but the minute my head hit the pillow I found myself devoured by the peaceful, calm surroundings of my dreams. What a strange, yet tranquil feeling!

Suddenly, I felt my body stiffen as an unknown sound invaded my senses. My skin started to tingle and burn. Every hair on my body strained as I tried to orientate myself. As the unknown sound moves closer, I hear the frantic beating of my heart echoing in my ears. What is this presence that has haunted me all these years? Am I going to finally be able to come face-to-face with it?

Closer...step-by-step, inch-by-inch... I feel the air thicken around me. My breathing becomes more rapid, and difficult by the second. My once burning skin has become cold and numb, yet still tingles from the electricity that fills the air. Something has a hold of me. Its firm grip squeezes the very air out of my soul...help me...I cannot speak...I cannot breathe...I feel my body give in...

It was at that moment that I was abruptly awakened...gasping...choking...

Slowly, I regained my senses. I looked over and saw the serene face of my husband as he laid sleeping and uninterrupted by my somewhat traumatic ordeal. Somehow...I am filled with familiarity...warmth...and security...

I slowly slid in next to him and once again lay my not-so-sleepy head down...only this time I do not fall asleep quite so easily...and I pray not to dream again...

Looking to be found....again....

I haven't been on here in ages... I've been bad but I am trying to make up for it. I am getting the urge to write again...at least just my thoughts. Put my scrambled words down in physical form rather than taking up space in my head... I feel lost and need to find myself again...I was never good at writing and my grammar sucks, but...its an outlet...

My husband has been acting weird lately...secretive...jumpy when I come near. I don't understand why he is like this...sigh...