I had that same dream today. The only difference is I was asleep in the car when I had it. I woke up with a startled gasp and scared the hell out of my husband. :-( It was the same scene again playing in my mind. *sigh* I had no control what-so-ever on what I wanted to do or try. Again...how do I bring consciousness to the subconscious? I think I might have an idea of what is going on. I need some advice :-(

No Dreams For Me...

I didn't dream last night...at least not that I remember...could this be a sign of the end???

My Dreams...

I spoke with a friend today about my dreams. Actually, I think I was trying to help him with a situation and I kinda of brought it up. I was trying to make a point *laughs* that sometimes past emotions can be stirred up by external stimuli no matter how far you distance yourself. For me, I thought that maybe a certain stimuli going on in my life may have started a problem for me again...my dreams...

Depressed. Sleep Deprived. Walking Zombie. Frightened. Again!

I've never spoken about this dream to anyone except my mother, and a monk. It's possible that I may have told my sister, but I don't remember if I did or not. I was actually shaking when I shared such an emotional dream with him. I've shared a lot with him. It's weird. I trust him. He gave me some "dream analysis" help. I only see what seems like 10 minutes worth of this dream before I wake up. Yet hours have passed. He makes sense though. He wanted to know if I had any doubts, but in the end, he stated that I may have had fear put in me from a previous "dream analysis" given to me by a monk. I never really thought of it that way. Perhaps, the image that I see is actually a symbol of myself at the age that I am now. He made a suggestion that I should try to get myself to see the rest of my dream. I need to put aside that fear, or whatever it is that's holding me back. I need to some how change the situation just before my dream resets and starts over. How do you bring you conscious into your subconscious? After 13 years of the same dream, the same replay, the same short 10 minute script that usually ended up with me waking up, heart racing, and at times crying. Can I really control my dreams? I think if I was strong enough to do that, I would have done that by now. You think? I don't want this dream. I don't want to see it again. I can't make it stop!

Maybe he's right. I'm scared. I'm scared of what a previous analysis has said. It's rooted in my mother's culture, my culture. He has mentioned the fear in my dreams, and my fear of the water. I do. I have to get over it. Scary...even as I write this blog, I feel the shivers of fear rising in me. My fear of the water... I am working on that. I never told him. I took a harbor cruise in San Diego. It was a big boat. The hardest part was getting onto the boat. I had to hide my face, hide my tears, but I got on that boat. That's another story for another time.

At least with the water, I know what I'm fighting. This dream though. Why? Why is it back? What stirred it up? What does it mean? Is Yi warning me? Does she not approve of what I'm doing, will do, have done? How do I fight what I don't know?

At least I slept ok last night. I'm so exhausted though. I'm not really thinking clearly.

I want to feel...?

I'm testing out my wireless modem tonight. It's a bit cool, but I'm sitting out here on the back patio near the pool, under the stars. I have to say, I have some pretty good reception!

I sit here on a most beautiful, clear night and the strangest feeling has come over me. I feel lonely. How is it possible?? I'm newly married, yet I feel so far away from him. I'm sitting outside, looking into my house. I see the animals relaxing, and the man... on the couch with his remote. He hasn't said to much to me today. I've actually been "hiding" out here for the past 2 hours. Does he know where I am? Does he even realize that I've not been "around" for the last few hours? Does he care?

We've had another fight. Over the smallest thing. It seems we have those a lot lately. I got upset with him because I was tired of him coming home and competely ignoring me. I at least ask how his day was, how did his projects go, and how he was feeling...He's very short with me. I sat there for a bit, thinking he might inquire about my day. But, he wanted to know what I wanted to do for dinner. At that point, I didn't feel much like thinking about food or going out to get food. He got grumpy about it. I told him I felt like I was just in the way for him and that I felt unappreciated. I told him I felt like he was happy with me as long as I came home from work and got out of his way. He got upset and said he doesn't know why I feel that way. I didn't want to start a fight about this...I just walked away. What I really wanted to do was drive off. If I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, I should have driven myself to San Diego and stayed by myself for the weekend. I'm getting all worked up just typing this out.

How do I explain how I feel? I feel emptiness. I feel loneliness. How someone feels when the love of their life has to go away for a few days. Of course when their love comes back you get that bubbly, butterfly, happy-making feeling again. I'm still waiting to feel bubbly.

I feel stupid for bitching about such a silly, small thing...but it's pretty much been like this for a while now. I really hate fighting over stupid stuff. It's driving me crazy and maybe it's driving me away?!

Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping very well. My dreams...ugh!

I want to feel...bubbly again.

Mixed Emotions...Fragmented!!

A good friend said I should blog a little more often. Let's give it a try...

My Feelings.
Currently are a jumble of mixed emotions and sentence fragments...
Let's see how this goes...

Why? Are you? Dancing Around?
Around a topic? A topic I think? You want to ask. But. Afraid to ask?
Why? Do you? Smile at me? Make me laugh? Laugh at me? Make me dizzy?
How? Is it? You make me Blush? Blush over the phone? And know it? Amazing!
Your wants. Your needs. Your knowing. Your emotions.
A shoulder. To cry on. To lean on. To laugh with. To BITCH at.
Be open. Trust. Compassion. A true friend.

Here is my attempt at poetry...

I guess you could call this free verse...

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you hit that fork in road.
To the left is my life.
To the right are my desires.
Which way should I go?

No! I don’t want to choose…
I have no desire to... please don’t make me…
But, there is no middle ground…
There’s so much I don’t want to lose…

Sometimes I ask for a lot of attention,
But, what I want most is to feel safe, wanted, loved, needed.
I don’t want to lose what I’ve found.
Yet, there’s a new wind blowing my direction.

I don’t know what to make of it, but a lingering presence haunts my memory.
This could be trouble, but with permission it could be bliss.
I get lost when I say “I do, but I don’t.”
I’m so conflicted…What do you want from me?

Temptation feeds my curiosity and burns my every desire.
Is this driven by love? No, it is pure lust.
Please know that my heart and soul belongs to someone else.
But my need for the human touch drives this fire.

The sound of your voice when you say my name still makes me weak.
To go my own way or to be your life.
Together we are an unstoppable force.

***this isn't finished yet.