You know what's sad...

I have no one to talk to.  If I want to vent my feelings, everyone will run back and tell my family. Its ridiculous. So I keep my mouth shut. Its bottles up and I just want to burst right now.  Sigh

Tell me...

I keep saying Im going to blog my experiences for you. Lately its just been a lot of...wanting to throw up. Hows that for a memory?

Yes. I'm sorry.  This is still almost a daydream. I'm taking it one day at a time. But soon, I will see you again!  You must tell me how you are feeling...what you need most...are you happy? are you grumpy? are you hyper? are you going to give me a run for my money? what you like...what you dont like....besides strawberries, cantaloupe, gold fish crackers, swiss cheese, apple sauce, egg whites....ugh

See you soon...

Amazing...

After so many years....so much time, tests, medical distractions and unanswered questions....its still  hard to believe.

I saw you...I heard you...i cried...

There are no words to explain my feelings, but they go from one extreme to the other thats for certain!

Peek-a-Boo

I can't wait to see you! I'm truly excited!  Nervous but ever so excited!

Unbelievable

Even after everything that has gone through...it still hasn't sunk in yet.  Amazing what you can learn none-the-less! :-)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was amazing. It was spent with my family whom I created a good,  healthy meal for and then on Monday I received some amazing news for myself. Now its just time...all in due time!

He found me...

There was a saying my grandmother once told me... "Sometimes people fall apart so that the better person in them can fall together".

A friend questioned me...why do people open up to me?  Why do people show me a side of them that is extremely private?

I don't know why people do.  I blame it on connections.  I love connecting with people.  Connections create strong emotions and I live by my emotions.  Perhaps it's my addiction. Emotions...Feelings (ha in more ways than one!)

Well... perhaps it's as simple as having someone willing to listen and open up to them, be vulnerable with them and to find a trust that it's just us and no one else involved.  To not be hurt. To not be judged. To be able to express things that cannot be expressed to another person (or certain person) without ridicule.  To not fear that the whole world will know ur quirks in the next 12 hours... We all need that release...and so do I...

But...I honestly don't know why. Perhaps, as I have said before, I never had anyone to listen to me when I truly needed it. I know that hurt and pain. I also know the betrayal from friends and family. Don't need it.

"We do not chose the life. We live one"  

If we could chose our life...no one would have demons. Hell...I would be beautiful and thin and I would definitely chase away my demons. We all have our demons.  Don't let them haunt you... We all fall but it will only be us who lift ourselves up. 

NB. You are a treasured friend.  To prove it..I will let you sing LMFAO to me again and I won't laugh...much!  YOU are falling together.  Keep the path you are moving in.  I'm proud of you.

"it was pride that changed angels into Devils; it is humility that makes men as Angels" -- St Augustine

Word of the day: Invisible

I-N-V-I-S-I-B-L-E

Not invincible.

I'm having a hard time finding my place in the world right now.  It seems as if I am everyone's confession booth.  I listen.  I offer advice.  No matter how shitty the advice is.  I am everyone's shoulder.  But that seems to be it.  I'm a shoulder.

Never mind that I have things I would love to tell a "shoulder". 

I guess that's the problem these days. 

My mother has a gambling addiction and has borrowed over 25k from me.  No one else knowes this addiction exists.

My family backstabs each other and my sister has betrayed me in so many ways but doesnt realize I know what shes done.   Yet I still try to keep our relationship there.

I have a husband,  who loves me,  but does not know what communication is or how to give it. The only emotion hes good at is being grumpy 80% of the time. Its lonely here quite often and we fight constantly about it.  I'm tired of having to ask for attention or ask for conversation.  We have our good times but the bad is there and more often than it should be.

A new situation has emerged and we fought about it. He's apologized. But it doesn't make up for the lack of excitement.   Other options have been sought out because at one time my dream ended. My heart hurts. Because we've tried for so long and it got interrupted by the cancer issue and all the medication and the tests...and it was a failure.  And now we have the go ahead and it seems as if...the excitement faded away.  My heart sinks. I told him if its not an option for he and I...I will seek options on my own. He loves me he says.  Alone is not an option.  Too bad I have felt alone for so long.

I long for you...

Sleep is such a difficult thing to find these days.  My once stimulating dreams have turned into a constant battle and these past few nights have been a struggle.  Sigh.

Countless hours...minutes...seconds...just getting lost...flying by.  Reaching out for the security of sweet dreams only to be  awaken by some unseen resistance. 

As I lay here my mind searches. Theres so much! Just so much to take care of. I used to depend on you.  Now everyone seems to be depending on me.  Everyone wants my time but no one seems to give me theirs.  Who do I turn to now?  Who will be there just to listen to me when I need to speak? Who will give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok? Who will help me find some sanity in a world of insanity?

I dont have time for my own problems. I'm too busy taking care of others. I'm not sure how I got here,  but I feel this undying need to escape so that I may be a little free-willed and responsibility-less. I need this.

Everything is changing. Gears are shifting.  I am not the same person I was just 5 seconds ago. My spirit is rebelling with each moment that passes. 

Just as I think I have found my sleep...a panic spreads over me.  I feel that same, heavy, cold presence over me.  Its cold form moves up my body and rests upon my chest. Pressing down. Squeezing the life out of me.  I awaken violently gasping for air.  When I am able to shake off that feeling of panic...I lay back down next to him as he sleeps peacefully and undisturbed.

Who do I have to watch over me? Who will chase off panic? 

Its 5 am. I am delirious.

I long for you....sleep...

You are Dark...

Ink Blot Test

Your Personality

You are… Dark

The things that you saw in the test cards were mostly dark things, which means you are a highly-intelligent and introspective person. You are known to be the perfectionist at work/school or among friends and always set really high standards for yourself and others, which sometimes might appear to others as being cold-hearted. You know you’re not like that, so what about lowering your standards a little bit and stop critiquing yourself that much? Others would be lucky to be as smart and deep as you are. When in doubt, try to focus on the positive side of things, even if this will be hard or seem superficial: trust us, practice makes perfect!