Patience...and....a little ADHD

Patience. It's not my best virtue this week. There has been so much going on this week and I've run short on patience.  With the little time I've had to sit and dwell with my thoughts, stress has been wearing me down little by little.

My thoughts have been all over the place and it shows. I have so many unpublished posts that I've started for blogger but have yet to finish. It's horrible. Nothing like a stale page of half empty thoughts.

I mentioned earlier that a friend, who has been a constant whisper in my ear lately, challenged me with a book to"read". I say "read" with a grain of salt. It's been more like...research lol.  The Mind's I.  It's sooooo beyond me. My brain does not work this way. It takes me so long to read and research to understand.  It impresses me how I've managed to get some deep thinking out of it, but it's exhausting. Interesting. Yet, exhausting. I've even pulled my father into helping me decrypt it. He thinks I'm crazy. Perhaps I am for taking on such a metaphysical book.

Besides Scott, there is one person who I think would enjoy the books. He's really deep and the conversations we've had (when they aren't too unique) are mind blowing. He's full of passion and conviction, but silly all the same.  Captain!

O Captain! My Captain! [My fearless reading is done.]. Perhaps it's not proper to quote (and change) from a poem that mourns the loss of someone. Since I haven't lost my Captain...at least I hope not.

In all seriousness..I think "Captain" would enjoy this book.  How does one go from our unique conversations to...oh hey, by the way read this book...I think you will like it...and you must help me understand it!  I know his wife loves to read, but I am not sure if this is her type of reading. I haven't spoken to Captain in a while. At least not since our last unique conversation a week or so ago. He's mentioned he hates to bother me and I tell him..bother me more.  Ironically, I find myself in the same situation. I'd like to talk to him, but I find myself in the same situation as he. Will I bother him if I call, text, email, message him?  I will...eventually...message him.

Anyways, the problem is, I just haven't had the patience to sit and read...or sit and do nothing.  Maybe I'm restless with the 3 week break? This is kind of ironic, since all I can do is think of vacation time when I'm at work.  At least this year is not an Evaluation year.

I'm jittery. Antsy. I want out. I put in just about 50 miles in the past 3 days on my bike. I need to get out. I need to do something. Time to go.

Some interesting reading...

Last week I ran into my old Psychology Professor, a good friend, from when I attended RCC. I was on my way back from Riverside, dropping off some items when I had stopped for gas.  He was a really great guy and we had lost touch after a few years and I could not believe he recognized me still. He and I hung out quite a bit when I attended RCC and actually did a quite a bit of volunteer work for the campus. The one I most remember was Halloween Valley where we set up a haunted house in one of the classrooms (small but fun).  We went out for a beer and to shoot some pool afterwards with a few people and he and I ended up being the last to leave.  We ended up talking about me and what my plans were and what degree I was looking and blah blah.  Really nice guy (stunning hazel eyes)' and he still has his killer smile!

Anyways, we ended up grabbing a drink and sat down and caught up at a small little sandwich shop in Grand Terrace.  He's divorced now, with 2 kids (who have inherited his gorgeous hazel eyes).  He was quite shocked to learn I became a math teacher, mainly because I always bitched to him about my math classes lol.  He's actually taken a job up at Cal Baptist. All in all, it was really good to see him again, and to know that he still remembers me..with our history lol...not hard to forget. We exchanged info and he hopes to get together again soon. Before we rode off on our separate ways he mentioned a book I should look into. He has a habit of this, always reading strange books.  I have to admit though, some of the ones he recommended back in the days, were actually pretty good. Strange, intense and just a whole new way to look at things. Anyways, the book he recommended was called "The Minds I."  So far I'm about a chapter in and...well...it's definitely a new way to look at things and is a little difficult to follow.  I'm going to need someone to talk to about this book lol. It opens up so many questions and some of those questions raise questions in themselves. A mind loop!

Let's see how long it takes me to read this one.....and will I survive it? LOL

Who will rescue me...

...when sanity betrays me?

My downfalls as a Cancer...

It must be the winter-ish season that does this to me.  Perhaps its the time alone?  Every emotion and sensation imaginable is being thrown at me.  I feel like I've been tossed into the dryer and left on "fluff".  

Locked in. No way out. Running out of Air. Trembling. Annoyed. Confused.

What is it with me and allowing myself to become so inundated and violated.  Perhaps I should stop making excuses.  I should go grab my shit and head out somewhere and capture the "soul" of some quiet back road or unrelenting body of nature.  I need that one trusting person I can unleash my words on.  One who wont judge, but just listen. One who will offer a hand to hold onto.  A shoulder to cry on, and later, laughter and weird conversations to help keep the sanity alive.  

I don't want my feelings judged, my words analyzed, or my thoughts thought about. There is no thinking about thinking here...its just diarrhea of the brain. 

A friend sent me my horoscope today.  It states, "We may want to ditch our responsibilities in exchange for some romance today.  With the Moon in Leo, we are filled with a festive spirit that inspires us to do something fun."   Do you believe in it? Astrology?  I think I do.  I mean, why not?  Life needs to have some hope to cling to.  I need hope to cling to.  That doesn't mean I allow it to drag me down, but to give me a little rise to know that there might be something better out there for me...even if it does change from day to day.

As a Cancer, I have many downfalls. One of which is I'm way to hypersensitive to emotions (of others and my own).  On the positive side, I'm caring, loyal, trustworthy and dedicated.  On the negative side, it allows people to walk all over me.  The good and the bad.  The highs and the lows.  Such is the duality of life. We have to remember, we cannot exist without both. There is no good without bad.  No light with out dark.  No love without pain.  Its hard to find the balance and harmony in this, but I survive. I am strong.  

Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me.

I'm still here. I know its been a while, but life demands too much of my energy to focus on anything else but life.  As I've mentioned before, I'm not a writer.  Well, except today...I need to write.  This poor blog has become my dumping ground.  I may be the only reader, but its still an intense way to release what is bottled up inside.  I am an anonymous person, in an anonymous world,writing my anonymous thoughts that just might be read by an anonymous being.

The only voice I hear is in my head as I read this. Suddenly, I realize it is my voice that I hear.  But, if there is anyone else out there reading this, it is not my voice that you hear, but your own. Crazy huh?  It's my emotions laid out on screen.  My voice, in My head, reading My words.  But do these words become your own as you read them?  I can't think of any reason why anyone would read such ramblings.  There has to be a reason that you are reading this.

Points to Ponder...I have become comfortably numb (only because I am anonymous) :-P