Just words....

On our way up North I found a new addiction...Sam Smith. I think I'm in love with him...well his voice anyways.  The poor hubby...I think I drove him crazy the whole ride up.  Well, at least I enjoyed myself!!

I often wonder if my words mean anything, written or verbal. Anything...to anyone?

I wish my words had even half the power to evoke such emotions as does many of the lyrics in most music nowadays. I find this funny because my emotions control me. I'm overly sensitive to emotions, mine and others. This always gets me in trouble.

As I sit out on my balcony patio and stare out at the sun setting over the ocean, a little girl is a floor below singing to herself.  She sings the song to "Let it Go" from the Disney movie Frozen. She has every word memorized by heart (at least from what I can tell). She is amazing!   Her laughter is infectious.

I sit and listen to her for a while before heading in.  Dinner with the in-laws. 

Emotions right now: relaxed and content. Happy :-)

These are just my words....

I am worthy of you...please

I remain cancer free still. Although the doctors do not know why.

A few different levels are off...manageable....but nothing major compared to my wbc.
No more quarterly tests.
No more human pin cushion.
No more surgery.
No more fear.
I've lost so much time, so many years, to focus on the things I've really wanted.
I do not know if God feels I am worthy of you, but that doesn't mean I will give up.
I have this determination to prove him wrong. Him. God.
There is more than enough room in my heart for another, I want you to fill it.
I will continue my journey towards you and when I find my way I will give you my heart.
I will keep you.
I will hold you.
I will love you.
I will protect you.
My sweet baby.
Until then, my heart aches for you.

save me...
I'm hurting...

How do you know that you know what you know?

Whatever is in your awareness at this moment - that is what you "know".

What you know is who you are. It is your awareness and experience of each moment of your life. To know is to be alive.

As human consciousness evolves, the ability to experience multiple points of view becomes possible.

- Metaphysics for Life

Trust...Do You Accept?

Late night ramblings of a delirious mind.  I do not know why, but I thought of you tonight.

I know we've had this talk before. Perhaps I'm just a dork, or perhaps its the lack of sleep........

A conversation of trust came up between myself and my husband.  My life has been full of betrayal and heartache.  So I have many reasons to not put my faith and trust in anyone. When I do, I end up on the wrong end of "screwed."

Is there one person out there that I can trust...outside of my marriage? Sometimes I feel that even my husband is hard to trust.  We've had our fair share of rocky moments and things have just about always bounced back.  But there are just things that I cant share with him...perhaps this is why I write? Or attempt to write - I suck at it...

I think everyone needs that one person who you can trust unconditionally.  That someone you can rely on to talk about situations, ideas, wants, needs, and even stupid stuff.  Talk without fear of rejection and judgement.  Someone you can bare your soul to without fear of it going beyond.  

I am that person for you, but are you that person for me?  It takes trust. A LOT of TRUST.  I know I can trust me, can you?  I am asking you to take that leap of faith.  Hope and Faith aren't found easily. After the many things we've discussed, I offer that to you and security of a loyal confidant.  Do not be afraid of trust, not with me.

I think I may have found that in you.  I don't blame you in fearing trust. Allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable to expressions that you cannot even share with your spouse is a difficult thing to do. Sharing such deep, thoughts and secrets. That person may not exist for me, but for that one person, I exist for them.  I am hoping it is you.  Use me.  I am loyal to a fault.

You know who you are...do you accept?

My lack of sleep has deprived me of my.................................................

Journals are...

Journals are just that...

Random words filling up spaces in hopes to make a point.
In hopes to find understanding.
In hopes to spark some imaginative thinking.
In hopes to find that one person (or persons) to connect with.
Spiritually, emotionally, selflessly
(even if I may be the only reader of these mindless ramblings)

This is my place to express what I'm feeling in HOPES to find ME or at least to keep ME sane.

New conversations and experiences have sparked my interest to journal again...

I just to need to get back to it...

Backwards

Why are you stupid when I want you to be serious and serious when I want you to be stupid?