He found me...

There was a saying my grandmother once told me... "Sometimes people fall apart so that the better person in them can fall together".

A friend questioned me...why do people open up to me?  Why do people show me a side of them that is extremely private?

I don't know why people do.  I blame it on connections.  I love connecting with people.  Connections create strong emotions and I live by my emotions.  Perhaps it's my addiction. Emotions...Feelings (ha in more ways than one!)

Well... perhaps it's as simple as having someone willing to listen and open up to them, be vulnerable with them and to find a trust that it's just us and no one else involved.  To not be hurt. To not be judged. To be able to express things that cannot be expressed to another person (or certain person) without ridicule.  To not fear that the whole world will know ur quirks in the next 12 hours... We all need that release...and so do I...

But...I honestly don't know why. Perhaps, as I have said before, I never had anyone to listen to me when I truly needed it. I know that hurt and pain. I also know the betrayal from friends and family. Don't need it.

"We do not chose the life. We live one"  

If we could chose our life...no one would have demons. Hell...I would be beautiful and thin and I would definitely chase away my demons. We all have our demons.  Don't let them haunt you... We all fall but it will only be us who lift ourselves up. 

NB. You are a treasured friend.  To prove it..I will let you sing LMFAO to me again and I won't laugh...much!  YOU are falling together.  Keep the path you are moving in.  I'm proud of you.

"it was pride that changed angels into Devils; it is humility that makes men as Angels" -- St Augustine

Word of the day: Invisible

I-N-V-I-S-I-B-L-E

Not invincible.

I'm having a hard time finding my place in the world right now.  It seems as if I am everyone's confession booth.  I listen.  I offer advice.  No matter how shitty the advice is.  I am everyone's shoulder.  But that seems to be it.  I'm a shoulder.

Never mind that I have things I would love to tell a "shoulder". 

I guess that's the problem these days. 

My mother has a gambling addiction and has borrowed over 25k from me.  No one else knowes this addiction exists.

My family backstabs each other and my sister has betrayed me in so many ways but doesnt realize I know what shes done.   Yet I still try to keep our relationship there.

I have a husband,  who loves me,  but does not know what communication is or how to give it. The only emotion hes good at is being grumpy 80% of the time. Its lonely here quite often and we fight constantly about it.  I'm tired of having to ask for attention or ask for conversation.  We have our good times but the bad is there and more often than it should be.

A new situation has emerged and we fought about it. He's apologized. But it doesn't make up for the lack of excitement.   Other options have been sought out because at one time my dream ended. My heart hurts. Because we've tried for so long and it got interrupted by the cancer issue and all the medication and the tests...and it was a failure.  And now we have the go ahead and it seems as if...the excitement faded away.  My heart sinks. I told him if its not an option for he and I...I will seek options on my own. He loves me he says.  Alone is not an option.  Too bad I have felt alone for so long.