Today I sat...

Today I sat.

I sat in the parking lot this morning.  I sat well past reporting time. I sat well past supervision time. I even sat right up until the bell to go to first period.

What was I doing? What was I thinking? I don't know. I just needed to organize my thoughts.

Im trying to understand the mind games. I know better. Im not stupid. Is that what you think?

My thoughts swirl and the organizing is cut short by the dreaded, dull tone of the first period bell...

Breathe in... breathe out. Now smile and greet everyone.

Age discrepancy

My body is confused.

Lately, I've had the urge to run. To get as far as I can from my stressed out life. From those who use me. From those who drag me along for their ride. From those who say one thing but do the other. I usually take "field trips" but no... I want to run away. Like a 13 year old.

Lately, I've had day dreams about someone. Someone who I think would sweep me off my feet. My Prince Charming riding in on his horse to save me. Riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after.  I long for him. Like a 16 year old romance novel guru.

Lately, I've been thinking about the "what ifs". They say there is no regret like chances wasted and the decsions we waited to long to make.  Regrets, like the 80 year old woman at the end of her life... wishing she could do things over

Currently, I've felt myself give up. Giving up the need for communication, touch, attention, to be loved, to feel wanted, to be happy. Have I settled for less? What the hell is wrong with me.

I thought I had an outlet. An outlet that satisfied most of those that I may have given up on.  But maybe Im not the only one who has given up? For some odd reason... this saddens me more than my settling for less... sigh...

Currently, I am a 42 year old giver upper.

Take that English Majors!

Losing that feeling?

Can you love someone and not be in love with them? Obviously.

What about someone you dedicated your life too? I guess that's obvious too.

I think I'm falling out of love. 

You show no interest in me and I'm starting to lose interest in you. Just saying these words makes me want to cry.

It's very lonely.  Quite honestly I feel that is how my life was meant to be.

Alone.

I'm the sock without a match. 

A needle without a vein. 

Yin without Yang.

Migraine without drugs... hah! Ugh :'(

Head hurts. I hate writing.

Oh, on a side note. Thank you for making me feel I'm not worth a moment of your time.

I am the convenience.