Just words....

On our way up North I found a new addiction...Sam Smith. I think I'm in love with him...well his voice anyways.  The poor hubby...I think I drove him crazy the whole ride up.  Well, at least I enjoyed myself!!

I often wonder if my words mean anything, written or verbal. Anything...to anyone?

I wish my words had even half the power to evoke such emotions as does many of the lyrics in most music nowadays. I find this funny because my emotions control me. I'm overly sensitive to emotions, mine and others. This always gets me in trouble.

As I sit out on my balcony patio and stare out at the sun setting over the ocean, a little girl is a floor below singing to herself.  She sings the song to "Let it Go" from the Disney movie Frozen. She has every word memorized by heart (at least from what I can tell). She is amazing!   Her laughter is infectious.

I sit and listen to her for a while before heading in.  Dinner with the in-laws. 

Emotions right now: relaxed and content. Happy :-)

These are just my words....

I am worthy of you...please

I remain cancer free still. Although the doctors do not know why.

A few different levels are off...manageable....but nothing major compared to my wbc.
No more quarterly tests.
No more human pin cushion.
No more surgery.
No more fear.
I've lost so much time, so many years, to focus on the things I've really wanted.
I do not know if God feels I am worthy of you, but that doesn't mean I will give up.
I have this determination to prove him wrong. Him. God.
There is more than enough room in my heart for another, I want you to fill it.
I will continue my journey towards you and when I find my way I will give you my heart.
I will keep you.
I will hold you.
I will love you.
I will protect you.
My sweet baby.
Until then, my heart aches for you.

save me...
I'm hurting...

How do you know that you know what you know?

Whatever is in your awareness at this moment - that is what you "know".

What you know is who you are. It is your awareness and experience of each moment of your life. To know is to be alive.

As human consciousness evolves, the ability to experience multiple points of view becomes possible.

- Metaphysics for Life

Trust...Do You Accept?

Late night ramblings of a delirious mind.  I do not know why, but I thought of you tonight.

I know we've had this talk before. Perhaps I'm just a dork, or perhaps its the lack of sleep........

A conversation of trust came up between myself and my husband.  My life has been full of betrayal and heartache.  So I have many reasons to not put my faith and trust in anyone. When I do, I end up on the wrong end of "screwed."

Is there one person out there that I can trust...outside of my marriage? Sometimes I feel that even my husband is hard to trust.  We've had our fair share of rocky moments and things have just about always bounced back.  But there are just things that I cant share with him...perhaps this is why I write? Or attempt to write - I suck at it...

I think everyone needs that one person who you can trust unconditionally.  That someone you can rely on to talk about situations, ideas, wants, needs, and even stupid stuff.  Talk without fear of rejection and judgement.  Someone you can bare your soul to without fear of it going beyond.  

I am that person for you, but are you that person for me?  It takes trust. A LOT of TRUST.  I know I can trust me, can you?  I am asking you to take that leap of faith.  Hope and Faith aren't found easily. After the many things we've discussed, I offer that to you and security of a loyal confidant.  Do not be afraid of trust, not with me.

I think I may have found that in you.  I don't blame you in fearing trust. Allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable to expressions that you cannot even share with your spouse is a difficult thing to do. Sharing such deep, thoughts and secrets. That person may not exist for me, but for that one person, I exist for them.  I am hoping it is you.  Use me.  I am loyal to a fault.

You know who you are...do you accept?

My lack of sleep has deprived me of my.................................................

Journals are...

Journals are just that...

Random words filling up spaces in hopes to make a point.
In hopes to find understanding.
In hopes to spark some imaginative thinking.
In hopes to find that one person (or persons) to connect with.
Spiritually, emotionally, selflessly
(even if I may be the only reader of these mindless ramblings)

This is my place to express what I'm feeling in HOPES to find ME or at least to keep ME sane.

New conversations and experiences have sparked my interest to journal again...

I just to need to get back to it...

Backwards

Why are you stupid when I want you to be serious and serious when I want you to be stupid?

I think...You've ruined me...

I think im giving up....

You've ruined me with all your empty words and promises.

Thank you.

Empty. ..

I'm tired of your empty words. All you have are your words and your actions...your words mean nothing when there are no actions behind them.  Thank you for making me feel like nothing.

A moment in time…

I don’t know what you’re thinking. I don’t know what you want. The one thing I do know is what I want. I’m attracted to you. To your eyes. To your voice. To your silly playfulness. To your touch…but its not you.  I don’t want you.  I want that feeling of being wanted. I want that feeling of being enjoyed. I want that feeling of electricity running across my body and through my skin.  I want to tremble with anticipation. That’s all…and then return to our everyday lives as if nothing has changed.  Perhaps I do want you...often.  But….only for a moment in time. 

A Little Freelance Perhaps?

So my cycling group has asked me to redesign our team jersey and create a membership brochure for them.  I'm rather excited about this.  However, I have no idea how to design a jersey!  Mind is spinning...so many ideas!  I don't know what the realms of possibility are for a jersey, nor do I know costs.  This will be an interesting challenge!

A little late...my Sunday post...

Sunday was a beautiful day out at the beach. I had sand between my toes, the wind in my hair, and the sun on my skin.  The highlight of the day was watching my nieces as they buried each other in the sand and remembered thinking...at what point I should become concerned. Chest height?  Neck height? Crown height? I guess as long as they were still laughing all was good LOL. I had many activities planned for the kids. I had my 3 year old kite that I bought from seaport which has yet to have its maiden flight.  With all the activities going on, unfortunately for my poor kite, that flight is on hold still. One day...soon.  Among the activities with us, I witnessed a small group doing yoga on the beach.  I was almost tempted to join them, but with the sun  as hot as it was I just observed.  I had missed my own yoga session to bring the family out to the beach.

My mind wandered a lot that day.  Its been doing that often in the past few weeks.  I've had some pretty steamy dreams lately.  I'd take those over the ghostly ones I tend to have from time to time.  The same ghostly dream I've had for years.  I just don't know what to make of it.  My grandmother always reaches out for me and wants to take me somewhere but I can never get past that point.  By that time, she's crying out for me as someone drags her away. Then I wake up.  Anyways...I keep saying I'll post about my dreams, but I haven't found time yet.  Even this post is 2 days late.  Oh well...steamy dreams and all... I must get a move on.  I have a dinner date with a friend!

Little Messages

A friend sent this to me this morning...This is why I love him to death...

"Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room."

As an over weight person on her way to finding her skinny side (well skinnier side) I have very little self esteem. I have gone through and still go through all the emotions of being flawed, unattractive,  unneeded,  not worthy....you name it I've been there.  Most of all I often feel broken.  Its a great feeling to hear others (family, friends, spouse) tell you that you are wonderful or even beautiful.  Unfortunately its few and far between.

I am that broken window...will you be my light?

An Hour of My Time - Interesting Cop!

 I hit a hurdle. It wont let me cross over. I'm absolutely frustrated. I have so many goals that have carried over from last year that are as about as stubborn as the days are long.

Absolutely frustrated and a bit defeated... I couldn't be in the house another minute. I took off for about an 45 minutes, almost an hour.

I didn't want to go to no coffee shop, or sit in a book store, iHop, or Denny's. I really didn't want to be around people. This was strange for me, usually when I take off like this, as much as I enjoy the time to myself, I really wish I had someone to talk to. This time... no.

I pulled into a crowded parking lot, towards that back away from most cars. I was leeching Wifi. Shitty signal, but leeching none the less. I didn't need wifi for my kindle app on my iPad, but from time to time I wanted to pop into facebook and read some of the suggestions on a few photographs I posted in my photography group.

I noticed across the parking lot that there were lights among the mountain side sweeping across the trees.  Who or what they are looking for? After a while, saw the dark figures appear. 2 police officers and 2 young men. I don't think they found what they were looking. They stood and spoke awhile and then eventually dispersed. It entertained me for a while, but there was no use in guessing the story of the 2 young men. I went back to my reading...

Shortly, I noticed one of the police cruisers come around the parking lot and I started to get fidgety. He was coming my direction.  Here I am, some creepy chick in a truck, in the dark, playing with her....iPad. He pulled into the parking spot next to me, rolled down his windows...and I started to think to myself...wtf?! He makes a gesture for me to roll my window down. Am I breaking some law? "Good evening mam, is everything alright?" I of course chime in with "Oh yes officer, all is well. I'm just reading." Did that sound stupid? What a dumb ass I am.

To my confusion, he continues a conversation with me..."Oh thats nice. I'm just thinking about ordering some dinner. I'm about to go off for the night." He holds up a piece of paper, which I can only assume is a take out menu.  As he talks, I'm sitting here wondering what the heck is going on. Does he normally just pull up next to strangers and talk to them? "How long have you been here?" he asks. So now I'm thinking I've overstayed my welcome...in what I thought was a public parking lot.  "I've been here almost 15-20 minutes. I didn't think it would be a problem. I will leave."

He laughs at me and says, "Oh no no. Its ok. I was just curious. Its not often I find women sitting in the parking lot...reading." My mind is still spinning, not sure as to where all this was going. Was he going to card me? Ask for license and registration? But no...he continued to just talk. Asked me how I was, what I was reading, asked if I did this often, if I had a good day and he spoke to me of himself, how his day was good now that it was over and he was about to go off for the night. Said his name was Dan. I hesitated when I told him my name...should I tell him my real name? Given him an alias? Yeah great...I'm debating the ethical dilemmas I would have for lying to a police officer in my head as I go blurt out..."My name is... (my real name)"

He gets out of his car and again my mind races...ok here it is, he's going to ask me to step outta the vehicle and show some proof of identification. I swear officer! I'm not about to rob the place! He heads over to my window where he peers in as if he's checking for something suspicious. I guess he confirms that I really am alone. I can feel my hands shaking. He smiles at me and asks how I like my tablet. Gorgeous smile. Too bad I couldn't see his eyes LOL My weakness, eyes and a gorgeous smile.  WTF! Flip channels fast! I told him it was nice, and that I liked it better than the Kindle Nook. He talked a little more than said, "Well, I've gotta get some dinner going. You have a good evening (says my name)." I returned the favor, said his name, and smiled back.

I didn't get ANY reading done that night to say the least...but it was an interesting night out.

Trust...

I had a former student from a few years back email me the other day.   We still kinda keep in touch because I'm friends with her aunt (who raises her) and see her from time to time when I go over.  She thanked me for all the things I’ve done for her. She was a shy, sweet, heavy set girl who had a hard time making friends. She was also lesbian and she came out to me first before speaking with her aunt.  I guess she found comfort in talking with me.  She would always ask to help me with stuff in the classroom and run little errands for me.  I saw a lot of me in her and I told her this about me in my last email to her:

________________

People assume a lot from your actions.  I can be silly, crazy, weird and childish at times but I’m still shy and very quiet.  I can be quite awkward and am often nervous.  Am I ever not nervous? I don’t think so.  Do I ever “come around” ?  Yes.  It takes time for me to break out of my shell.  Those people who are willing to stick around for that are the ones you should treasure.  

I’m usually the last to be picked, the last to be thought of, and very rarely invited to do things.  I’m not very outgoing, and my ability to keep a conversation going is about as dead as a door nail.  I’m SUPER horrible at keeping in touch.  That doesn’t make me any less of a person or a friend and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care about others and that doesn't make me not put others first before me. I'm just more careful at who I chose to do that for now.

My shyness and how quiet I am makes things hard.  It is because of this I have to work twice as hard as most people to stay in the social loop.  I’m one of the nicest people you might ever meet.  Often though, I end up getting walked over, taken advantage of, used and abused.

You have to understand, people are going to judge you no matter what.  So be the person you want to be, and not the person they want you to be.  If they can’t accept you for you, its not YOU that’s not worth a damn…its them.

______________

I laughed when she said I must be a party animal by now.  Too bad I’m still shy, quiet and out of the loop!  LOL But I’m trying, and that’s what counts!  

Being shy and quiet does not mean that is all there is to you.  I wish people would look beyond that and give me a chance. I have a lot to offer just as she has a lot.  Loyalty, trust and kindness is what keeps people around. I have a lot of that to offer, but I try to be careful because people take advantage of that. Stay guarded.

I had a friend ask me the other day.. Why do I trust him?  Because it is in my nature, but it doesn't come in the blink of an eye.  Finding someone to share your "weirdness" and "deep secrets" with is hard to come by. Why would I ruin something like that? We kinda got thrown into a situation that sorta required trust right off the bat and I haven't had a reason to feel betrayed. Especially with the information we've both shared with each other.  How I decided to give that trust....idk it was a feeling. He's protective of himself and his family as am I.  Why would we share such potentially hazardous information with each other if we didn't feel that level of trust? Why risk it? Am I wrong? Or perhaps I am a dumbass like S said I was?

*stepping off my semi-soap box". Ok...who wants to have a beer with me??

Title? A quote from The Enders Game...got my brain spinning...yikes!

My ramblings for the night.   

“I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them.... I destroy them.”  -- a powerful quote I think...some quick thoughts on this...

Sure, Ender talks about his enemy in the midst of war, but what is it to truly destroy a person? A lack of understanding? A lack of communication? Prejudgments? Then what is it to truly understand a person?

My problem...I try to understand everyone.  I analyze, question, research, and understand to the best of my ability.  I don't hate anyone. I don't want to destroy anyone. I don't think I have any enemies. I may have stalkers (LOL) but enemies? I hope not. I pride myself in trying to get along with everyone.  I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone becuase in the end, it hurts me as well. Some people may think that is a weakness, and often times...I feel the same. Communication is key.

So the philosophy behind, "love your enemies" is a challenging one.  Understanding there is good and evil and that they "might" be a choice one makes (however debatable that might be).  I believe everyone has the ability to be either good or evil.  Understanding a person, their actions, their reasoning, and their choices just might be your saving grace. Your protection. Perhaps this is where the saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" comes into play. 

"There is no teacher but the enemy."  

All your trainings will prepare you for nothing.  The only way to truly be prepared is to live it.

All in all, The Enders Game was interesting.  I wish I had read the book first (which is sitting in my dropbox as we speak (LOL).

Alrighty...all over the place, I know. But eh, that's life I guess... Another duality to think about.  There is no clarity without confusion, just as there is no good without evil.

Good night.

Done...

The person in the mirror used to be me I think.  

A reflection of a useless soul spiraling, lost and looking for hope.  

Suddenly it is your eyes that shine and I see a glimmer of that hope I was looking for. 

I stand up and shake off her curse placed on me by the heartless and cruel sense of her reality. 

This is my reality now damnit. 

Finally!!

I cant escape me... even Facebook has me nailed

Took a stupid facebook quiz lol and whats scary is how accurate it is.  It should read... you at best at letting people walk all over you.  :-P

You are best at:

Thinking About Emotions

People are your first concern, whether you’re reflecting on yourself and your own behaviour or thinking about that of others. You easily understand that others have different perspectives. You consciously try to change your own behaviour for the better and maintaining strong and healthy relationships with everyone around you is very important to you.

Field Trip - Loyal to a Fault

So today's field trip got cut short by pleas for additional supplies.  I need to go out and purchase another set of light up blinking sun glasses for our 5k Color Run tonight.  Ok, maybe its not cut short,  just a slight detour. 

The short time I was out gave me time to reflect on something a friend said to me.

Its amazing how much power ATTENTION can give you and how debilitating it can be when stripped from you.

I, for one, love attention (as shy as I am, that's a shocker). But would I fall apart if it was taken from me?  My brain says no, but my heart says theres doubt.  And now...as I sit here and think more...if you gain an emotional connection with someone I guess I would fall apart. Then I ask...to what extent?  I keep reevaluating my thoughts and re-questioning myself.

I hate that I've hurt her.  I hate that I feel like I've abandoned her. I hate that I constantly reevaluate everything I've done for her.  And I hate that I'm having a hard time moving on.

I HATE THAT I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE TOO MUCH and I hate that I feel guilty for saying that.

The problem with me... I'm an emotional person. I go both feet in. I give my all to people I care about and that leaves me vulnerable. 

Loyal to a fault...I guess that's me. Take me or leave me (faults and all).

I Just...

I need to run away.

I asked...how exactly am I improving your quality of life? You're always miserable and you take it out on me.

In the end....

I'm feeling better.  Battery of medical appointments. White blood cells are going up, sugar and blood pressure dropping to low. Dizzy spells. Passing out when I shouldn't (not that you ever should).  And guess what... Blood work ALL normal.

Psycho, suicidal, stalker girl friend still causing shit.

WTF!

"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." -- Buddha

Oblivion

"...years have passed since I saw your face. I wonder if I come to you at night, in dreams, in the day as memories.  Do I haunt your hours the way you haunted mine?

...If we have souls, they're made of the love we share. Undimmed by time, unbound by death." - Jack Harper

Life is an Echo...Who is The Voice in Your Head?

A quick quote while you ponder my question...

I'm still trying to figure it out myself...

The question comes up often...and often I 

find myself thinking about it...

       Sometimes Learning to Live... 

                                             Means Learning to Let Go...

   

He said...I said...She said...

A friend gave me some truth tonight.

He said...

                 "That doesn't make you weak.. you are just loyal to a fault.. but she isn't sane..."

I said...

                 "Loyal to a fault. Sounds like a disease. Fuck!"   *SIGH*

She said...

                 "Please don't give up on me I'm fighting to survive."

I said...

                 "Maybe I should be the one jumping off a cliff!"

....DAMNIT!!!!

Just Once...I'm such an idiot.

Just once, I want someone to fight for me as I fought for you.  I gave you my heart.  You played me for a fool.  You manipulated my emotions.  You played my weaknesses.  You controlled me.

I'm done.  I can't do it anymore. I'm not your puppet.

I could not sleep last night.  I woke up almost every hour.  I went to work as a zombie with my brain unable to focus on anything other than wondering if you were dead or if you were laughing at me. (Ha! Zombies have brains? UGH) I did call the cops.  And now you text me that you took the day off and went to Disneyland with your cousin.  WTF?? I feel like a god damn fool.  Again. for the 4th or 5th time now.  I wont let you reel me back in.  I can't handle your bipolar mood swings.  I wont let you lay that responsibility on me again.

I'm tired of feeling guilty.  I'm tired of feeling like a horrible friend.  I'm tired.  I can't do it anymore.

...and now...its time I do whats best for me...

Sincerely,
The Sucker

Why? Explain this to me...why??

The stress in my life is off the wall.  I've tried to avoid so many things. I've tried to hide from everything and everyone.  I'm tired of hiding.

Why is it when you try to do what you think is right, you get accused of being a horrible friend? I should have called the cops the first time! And now you threaten me with that crap again for the umpteenth time? Is this how you test a friendship?

I refuse to answer your calls, your texts, your emails, your anything. I wont let you throw this at me again!

Someone tell me im doing the right thing?

If I was that low, I would want someone to listen to me. 

Why do I feel like I've abandoned her?

Why do I feel guilty?   Why am I hurting?

Is this what you wanted?  You need help. Help that I cannot give.

Someone...tell me im not...Horrible...

Please.

I don't know what to do
.

I cannot imagine...the heart ache...

     I cannot imagine the feeling of the lost of a child.  To have such a hole in your heart, destroys me.  My dear friend lost her precious baby girl to cancer this past weekend.  Please know that I am with you physically, spiritually and emotionally.

     Remember the happy memories, and remember how she would want to you to live your life.  She would not want you to suffer but to celebrate that she is no longer in pain and is free to live the her life as she was meant to when she was alive.

   
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalms 34:18

I love you my friend...

Training Ride Disaster

We started out in our 22 mile training ride through Sunset and about 16 miles in the chain broke on HIS bike as we're going up the last major hill. So the group pulled over to help us. While he was working on his chain, I started to feel funny.  I began to get dizzy, started to shake, my vision went...the best way I can describe it is...it got wavy or wiggly.  I then started to fade in and out and was about to pass out.  A friend grabbed my bike and I went to the ground. As I was sitting I started to chew as many lifesavers as I coulda good thing I grabbed a hand full before the ride. Another friend gave me his Honey Stinger packet.  I was ok after a few minutes, but I scared the heck outta myself.  Doc came with his truck and rescued me, although I felt I could finish the ride, Doc said it wasn't a good idea.  When I got home, my bp was on the low end and my blood sugar was at 79. Yes, I was definitely very low if that was my level after sucking down all the sugar just prior to testing.

Lesson: Don't be cocky with your blood sugar even if you are considered non-medicated and controlled. I'm a dumbass...

Let's see how the actual charity ride goes next Saturday now... I'll pack smarter...

Suicidal Tendencies?? or are you just testing me??

My heart breaks when you say I don't care.

My heart breaks when you say I'm not loving enough.

My heart breaks when you say I'm not supportive enough.

• I don't care that you are safe.  That is why I told you that you needed to leave before HE came home and turned on you like he did to your son.

• I don't care if you love him.  That is why I told you that you cannot abandon him in his hour of need, but that you still needed to protect yourself.

• I don't care if you want to do die.  That is why I threatened to call the police to check on you.

• I don't care about your problems. That is why I spent 4 hours on the phone with you and another 2 hours texting when I told you I was in bed already.

• I don't love you.  That is why threatened to call the police when you threatened to down a bottle of pills and vodka.

• I don't love you.  That is why my heart breaks when you say you don't want to go on.

What a fucking horrible friend I am.  You should have abandoned me years ago.  

I should come with a warning label:

"Warning: Will cause you nothing but heartache and will be a waste your valuable time.  Does not care, give support, and make any attempts to love you back. No loyalty shown EVER."

What is wrong with me?

I am not that person...am I?

...and now you text me... "I love you. You're a good friend. Lets grab dinner and a movie.  I'll ttyl."

WTF?  Not more than 5 minutes ago I was the worst friend in the world who didn't give a rats ass about you.  That or you are trying to diffuse the threat of me calling the cops on you to ensure that you are not a danger to yourself.

Was this a test?  Did I pass?

Perhaps I should just abandon myself...I'm confused.

Fuck. I can't sleep :(  

Suicide...its not the answer.  I've been down that road. I still have nightmares from it and my battle wounds, and trust me, I still think about it from time to time.  But I'm stronger now and I have my avenues to deal with it. 

If you have to test my loyalties, then in all those years we've known each other, you never knew me at all.  You treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Friend, Lover, or Enemy.  I don't live my life that way.  Its not in my nature. Its not worth the drama that follows it.

My loyalty is without contestation.  PERIOD. 

So....why is it I feel like a dumbass?

Someone save me...I'm worth it... I promise!

A Reading on Selfish

Selfish Genes, Selfish Memes 

Updated 3-26-2014 - INCOMPLETE 

Dawkins really has a way with his words.

As many of the excerpts that I have read, this one also appears to "point" in another direction besides religion.  Not an attack on religion itself or a denial, but more of an alternate "idea".

Whatever IT is... IT is Looking for stability...

Obviously if you are stable in your environment, your existence is secure.  Instability creates to many outliers, to many possibilities and outcomes, that the chance of "surviving" or "existing" decreases.  Your risk is too great?  Perhaps this is too simple of an interpretation behind the complexity of evolution.

Survival of the Fittest... "...discovered how to protect themselves [...] Replicators began no merely to exist, but to construct for themselves containers, vehicles for their continued existence."   [3.10.2208]  Adaptation.

Science vs. Religion

- Big Bang vs "In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth..." 

Movie: Transcendence - A play on Consciousness and ArtificialIntelligence

Tonight I saw an interesting trailer pop up on the TV.  

Transcendence starring Johnny Depp and Morgan Freeman.  Here is the information I was about to find on it:

“Dr. Will Caster is the foremost researcher in the field of Artificial Intelligence, working to create a sentient machine that combines the collective intelligence of everything ever known with the full range of human emotions. His highly controversial experiments have made him famous, but they have also made him the prime target of anti-technology extremists who will do whatever it takes to stop him. However, in their attempt to destroy Will, they inadvertently become the catalyst for him to succeed - to be a participant in his own transcendence. For his wife Evelyn and best friend Max Waters, both fellow researchers, the question is not if they can - but if they should. Their worst fears are realized as Will's thirst for knowledge evolves into a seemingly omnipresent quest for power, to what end is unknown. The only thing that is becoming terrifyingly clear is there may be no way to stop him.

The terminally ill scientist downloads his mind into a computer. This grants him power beyond his wildest dreams, and soon he becomes unstoppable.”

Here is the link to the trailer  -   Transcendence (2014)

Interesting...especially since it talks about a topic that I've recently been reading in "The Minds I."  The idea is brought up...is the body and the conscious separate?

Can a computer think for itself?  A quote from the book, there are "...no Pretensions to Originate Anything."  Are the mind and body two different entities? This movie seems to think they are separate, which is evident when they state the main character "downloads" his mind into a computer and becomes extremely powerful.

I am looking forward to seeing how things get played out.  

Comes out April 18, 2014.

What Sign Are You Actually? - Pretty Much has Me Down Solid.

What Star Sign Are You Actually?

You got: Cancer  

                       
Malachy120 / Thinkstock

You’re caring, generous and intuitive. You’re also very domestic and love spending time with your family. You get emotional quite easily, but that doesn’t stop your friends relying on you for support when times get tough.

Never Give Up...

A good friend sent this to me this morning...

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyways." - Earl Nightingale

Where is my Orion now?

He's my navigator,  my guiding light, my Beacon in the dark. 

It's not really dark, the moon is out but the clouds have covered my protector. My watchful eye. Perhaps he is mad that I called him out on his love for the "sisters".  I really should go back and reread the story on Orion and the 7 sisters.

I've made my way into MV.  I thought about looking for "Spirit Point" out in Reche, but I'm not about to drive through the back roads at this hour alone. This was a spot a few of us found back in high school.  When you were up there you could see the surrounding cities.

I have had a long day.  A friend of mine was fired from her job so I helped her pack up her room. It's a long and twisted series of events that led to this. It's amazing how many people you call "friend" will quickly turn on you.  I've heard so many people say so many things and then I hear her side.  Who are you to judge??  Who am I to judge?  I'm her friend.  If she has done wrong then let her face her consequences. Someone needs to stand by her side to say...let's pick up the pieces, let's take this path and let's go for here. No I cannot judge her. I have no right, especially when there are things I have or am doing in my own life that would not be deemed as "doing the the right thing."  Not that my situation is any where near hers. My life is not on the straight and narrow...hell...some of the things I've done would probably cost me my job because I would not be considered the "proper role model".  But my private life is just that... PRIVATE.

Stupid doctors. Stupid medical issues. Stupid life. Enough said.

S- wants to meet up for coffee and a concert in Riverside if he can swing it.  Starts at 8 - Jazz I think he said.  I bowl. But he only has a few days left in Cali. He promised to let me know by 4 at the latest. It's been a not-so-great day, I could use some cheering up.

Had a fight with the MAN today. That may be the reason for my field trip tonight. I needed out. Needed air. Again I could have used some conversation or even a bear hug. A Great BIG bear hug. One of thoes killer ones that S- always gives that steals the breath from your body. Ah well... Eventually I will find a place where I will be able to leach wifi from so I can post this...or...I can just wait til I get home. Anyways it was a stupid fight. At least he didn't smash his phone this time or put his fist through our closet door.

Sigh...17% battery left on my iPad.  I haven't even had a chance to clear my head. I didn't bring the car charger...life's way of telling me to shut up and go home.  BAH!

I guess its better than being out of gas...especially since I just realized I left my wallet at home...doh!

Results?

So I'm not sure how to take the results I got from D.  It wasn't even my D.  This D is filling in for my D who is on vacation.  So this D had to go back and look at my D's notes on my file so that this D doesn't mess up what the cardiologists was asking.  To many D's  does this mean I get and F?

SIGH...

A night out with my favorite man, Orion.

Great night to get away. I miss my photography.  My outlet to get away and just de-stress.   Im no good at night photography, not that my day photography is any better, but at least you can see something lol. Its a somewhat clear night and my faithful man, Orion, is keeping watch over me.  Too bad he doesnt talk back.  I could use a little conversation right about now.  "Hey Orion...which of the sisters did you really dig?"   -- static...alrighty then!

I learned something tonight...

I completely took control of my husbands body tonight. Taking the time to enjoy every inch of him and letting him know how I felt.  Not letting him have any say as to what needed to be done. I knew what I wanted and he did not object. I ran my hands and lips over him, giving quick nibbles along the way until our bodies lay motionless under the strain of our ecstasy.

I've been staring at the ceiling all night. I can't sleep.  As I laid naked in bed listening to the snores of my husband, my mind wanders.  I recalled all the things you and I talked about tonight. 

We are SO weird.  I know it...you know it...we both admit to it.  How does one go from conversations of the x-rated nature to philosophical and metaphysical debates?  What a pair we are!

I know I keep referring back to "us" from years ago, its one if my downfalls as a Cancer.  I also know that we found each other under stressful times back then. However, theres a part of me that hopes the bond we made is still alive in us somewhere. Even if its 9-10 years later.  We may not be the same people but we've some how managed to maintain some form of relationship going.

I did learn a little something tonight...

Its no surprise that I'm a control freak. So the question is...What is the surprise?  I have found that I actually do like giving up some control. SURPRISE!! I like living on the edge, stepping up to that symbolic line drawn on the ground and just teetering over the edge...ready to fall but not quite giving in.  Awaiting the next step but never getting there. ..teasing.  I haven't found this with many people...most push you over the edge without asking or saying a word. 

In all the years we've shown that side to each other, you have never given me a reason to not trust you. You have never pushed me or been disrespectful. I need you to know that I enjoyed this side of us and I still will.  You've allowed me to experience that edge with complete trust that you won't let me fall.

Theres still another side left to enjoy. One that I am grateful you are still willing to enjoy as well. Our "intellectual" side as you put it. It may not be the "us" from way back then but it's definitely an "us" that im looking forward to establishing. Not that we weren't intellectual back then lol! Heres to a new journey to find enlightenment,  knowledge and power...and still find our way to stay weird and goofy.  

I just hope that you weren't upset or freaking out about things that you disappear on me for months again...or forever :-(

"If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him."  -- Buddha.

Triathlon...really???

When you say my name and the word triathlon in the same sentence you just have to laugh. Me?! Do a triathlon? Sure I cycle. That's 1/3 of a triathlon. Run? Maybe...swim? No.  Beyond my fear of the water (open water) I can't really swim...well kinda... This afternoon I went on a pretty intense ride with a coworker.  She and her hubby came out and met up with us to do a trial run of a charity race that we have coming up in April.  She used to do triathlons and so we got started talking...in between huffing and puffing up the huge hills (which we survived btw lol).  She wants to get back into them and I may have entertained the idea in my head as we spoke... I write this with a goofy grin in my face because I cannot believe that this would be an idea I would consider.  Anyways...ended up at the Calirfornia Triathlon meeting out in Redlands tonight.  Oh boy!  Seriously??  We will come back to this chapter at another time lol!

Hope...

My faith in you...my friend...was shaken.

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me

Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

I've got to believe
I still have hope.

Thank you Danny Gokey...

Riddles? Why not just be straight forward?

So the confusion sets in....

What is it with men and their "jigsaw puzzle" ways of answering questions?

Its been a long day.  Left work about 4 to head over to the alley and after all the shots and funny pictures I got home about 8:30. HE messaged me earlier today and stated he would be back out in area this Friday for a week or so.  I'm happy.  I really am.  He wants to catch up and have lunch.  Is it weird that I love his brain?  Anyways, I told him I would love to see him again....about an hour later (and 3 shots in) I get this message..."Why do you love me?"  and I told him because he puts up with my childish ways, my dumbass comebacks, his understanding then I asked...do I have to have a reason?  Another 30 minutes or so later he says "Everything has a reason, just as everything happens for a reason."  So like WTF?  I know I've had a few shots, but come on... I asked him to explain, but the only thing I get from him is "No worries Babycakes. You know I still love you" and nothing else all night.

I hate the riddles...I'd rather a person just ask me straight out then dance around a topic.  JUST ASK!

I guess I'm guilty of dancing around things too...damnit.

On a different side of riddles...

So here's a riddle my kids gave me the other day... "What does the Fox say?"  Although I know the hype...I told my kids they can write me an essay on what they think the Fox is saying...they just laughed.  I'm scared now.... LOL

This is why I dont talk to people. Sigh.

So...most of the people I know are the biggest gossips in the world.  Which is good for me cause I get all the juicy gossip and the latest and greatest info on the scandals going around.

I am a very quiet person. I do not like sharing a lot of myself and I hate when people pry me for information on other people. 

So a few years ago I was "supposedly" the scandle of the year with someone I was close with.

I got the "well you're my friend so I can tease you about it" blah blah blah.. yeah yeah cute and all but then I started getting the "so have you bedded him yet? When are you going to make it official?"

Really?? Seriously??  Just how old are you? Dont they understand shit like that can ruin a persons marriage? Theres a point where it goes to far. 

Every so often I still get the "oooh you still talk to him? Wow really, you guys have been flirting forever! "  I've learned to ignore the comments, keep things simple and I shut it down quickly...but why? Why do they assume?  People have no lives and no care for messing up relationships or friendships because they let their mouths run wild.  That friendship was scarred a little but I think over the years we found a new path.

I'm NOT one of those who let's their mouths run wild.  It's not my style. 

One word.

Trust.

We all want it but its so damn hard to find.  You've got it here if I can count on you for the same.

Fucking Doctors

I'm so fucking frustrated right now.  The school Nurse sent me home because I was blacking out. Im not allowed to drive so my husband had to come get me. I am at the hospital and I have a really low heart rate and low bp. They ran an ekg which was normal.  Now I am being sent to a cardiologist in Redlands to be put on a heart monitor. Sigh.  My husband had to go back to work for a meeting and is now stuck in a parking lot that they call a freeway. The guy sitting next to me is having a god damn argument with himself and im dizzy again. Just shoot me now!

Why cant I get a break.

I know...I know... there are people in much worse situations than me.  Can't I just have my pity party for 5 seconds?

Great now I'm arguing with myself...

Grrrr...I'm going to go cry now. ..

Is the Plate Half Empty or Half Full... or is There Just to Much Shit on it?!

I seem to keep adding things to my plate.  I'm not sure how much more I can balance before things come crashing down.

I some how managed to get myself nominated to be an alternate Union Rep.  Don't ask...I was doing it for myself, so that I could stay informed and I somehow ended up being placed as an alternate... *bangs head on keyboard*

OOh...then I managed to some how get talked into leading a Yoga group at work... ok... let me clarify... Lead as in...open up DVD case, Take out DVD, Put in DVD player and Press Play.  Yeah... I certainly am leading this group :-P  Then after yoga I go home and do my own workout routine. I work out 6 days a week and I cycle 2-3 times a week.  Yes...crash...crash and burn baby!

Then I started riding to and from work on my bike and the kids have all asked me to ride with them.  *Laugh*  *SNORTS*  *Laugh*   NOT!  When my cycling group started doing their family rides once a month, I mentioned it to my kids.  Actually our 2nd Family Ride, is this Sunday.  A few of the kids were like "Yeah! I'll be there."  Hmmm... damn.  Some of my kids want to, but they don't have bikes or helmets.  Anyways... my friend who is the director of the IEAB (Inland Empire Bike Alliance) told me about the "Earn a Bike Program."  (Did I mention I have really great kids this year??)  So I started gathering information for them and actually headed out to Loma Linda to speak with one of the people in charge of their Bike BBQ tonight.  Its a program run by volunteers that allows people to come in and have their bikes fixed, etc.  If my students truly are interested, I can get them information on how to become a volunteer and they can put in volunteer hours and put it as credit towards a bike.  They can actually put in volunteer hours to pay for a bike.  Its a great program I'm excited to bring them the information tomorrow. I've been running trying to get this done for them.  I told them I would even donate my volunteer hours to them for their credits if they were serious about the program.  We see what happens with this.

I took up a freelance position with my Cycling group.  They got wind of my Graphics Design background and it sounds like they want me to help them with advertising for the group and creating brochures and flyers. I've already created one flyer to promote the Family Ride. Anywyas...so on top of the 8-10 hour job I do as a teacher... I laugh when I say 8-10 hours because its really more than that...I've added on a freelance job to it. Oye!

Ah well...I'm just venting...Organizing my thoughts and trying to calculate out when exactly things will come crashing down.

I could really use a vacation right about now.

I could really use another road trip...perhaps soon?!

Captain! Rudy! Kiss and Tell !? LOL!

4.16.4300 RUDY RUCKER Software

STUDENT  -  Updated 2-25-14      

What is it with boiled peanuts??  My mother is always munching on them and with her diverticulitis it's not a good thing but UGH! Gross! Peanut butter is my weakness but eww....

"Drinking is the sign' of an unresolved conflict." [4.16.4339]  What conflict is there...there shouldn't be any.  Everything is as peaceful as it should be.  Right? Hmmm...maybe there is something...but what?

So, after getting a few pages into the reading, I've come up with a few ideas.  These "robots" that our dear Anderson has "created" have become sentient beings that seemed to have grasped the ability to have consciousness.  They've become aware of things around them; one of which is their gratitude towards their "Creator" (their analogy of God).  At least this is what I have concluded from the few pages I have read.  They want to show their gratitude by offering the mortal Cobb "Immortality". 

My mind wanders back to the Seventh Sally where the King was turned into the Moon.  I cant help but wonder if perhaps his becoming the moon was the minions way of "immortalizing" him.  Even if he was looked at as a slave master and pain-monger.

CAPTAIN            

Lem - Reading..Thinking...HAH!

So you say Lem thinks about about thoughts...

Here are my thoughts...

You say you skim for Lem...hopefully you saw this....Tell me your thoughts. You've heard a lot of mine.  I'd like to hear your interpretations on the readings; Lem's Non-Servium and Rudy's Software.  Yes... I gave the teacher homework.  Do it or you will have detention!

I just wanted to see if the title caught your eye... :-P  Tee hee hee...HEE!

So, now you have homework... first assignment of the day is to email/message me and tell me you saw this and then do your interpretation for me...dont punk out and pretend you didn't see it!  

*TAG* ur it....

Lazy Friday - Strange Situations

So...I am in the computer lab today with the kids and I decided to catch up on some reading while the kids tinkered around on their math program.  Lots of blooping and bleeping and buzzing going on with the games.

Its a lazy day today. I'd much rather be out cycling and snapping photographs.  Ah well...

Yesterday, as I rode home on my bike from work, I was about to head up the last of the longest streets to get home.  I was at a stop sign to turn when I had a guy on a horse pulled up next to me. LOL! Yes...a horse. This guy just starts the conversation..."Nice day huh?" I had to laugh a little and I responded. We continued our conversation as he rode next to me for a few blocks. He had a beautiful horse.  I would love to trade my bike in for a horse! 

I always find myself in the weirdest situations.  Many of which are quite enjoyable. 

I am...You are...

I am inspired. 
I am aroused. 
I am conflicted. 

You are my confliction.
You are my best and worst distraction.
You are my release.

Ghost Bike Placed in Honor of Fallen Rider....

My friend M, founder of IEAB, posted that they got the Ghost Bike up for La Vonne.  CC is running a fundraiser in her name for the American Diabetes Foundation on February 20th.  The Tour de Cure is a ride I hope to be able to participate in soon.  I have to figure out how the fund raising works out and research a little more information on it before I jump in head first.

There's talk of a "Critical Mass" movement.  Not sure of which location, but with talking to M and reading on IEAB... people are fed up.  Here's my view.  I've been to the San Diego Critical Mass movement...at least to observe the group and not participated.  I've seen what they do.  I was not happy with what I saw.  People want to talk about bike awareness and safety...I'm all for that, but you can't go out and ride like an idiot to prove your point.  I saw Critical Mass SD take over an entire board walk and nearly mow people over who were walking on it.  That's extremely counter productive to their message and only proves true what "non-cyclists" already think.  Now, I will say that not all of the Critical Mass SD participants acted in the same way, but I think the founder of the SD movement needs to discuss with his members a better way of getting their message out.  I hope IEAB doesn't run into the same situation.

Dizzy Spells...

My dizzy spells have returned it seems...I'm so fed up with talking to my doctor about this, however, I do have a new family doctor, perhaps they will have a different route for me.  I've been put through the ringer.  I've even been run through the cancer scare path for the past 3-4 years...which I might add is not through yet. Although my levels are now normal...I STIIL have to go through blood tests every 3 months to monitor.  Hopefully my next blood test will still read normal... :-(  

Previously I was not feeling well...and that lasted for a few days.  I'm hoping these dizzy spells are related to that and nothing more.   I do not need to have a repeat of what I went through a few years ago...

Tour de Palm Springs - 25 Mile Route Conquered!

Is it over already??! Palm Springs was enjoyable but it went by way to fast!  Had a great dinner gathering with the group before we met for the ride in the morning.  Parking was atrocious so hubby and I walked our way around Palm Springs. Thank goodness our hotel was centrally located to everything.  I'd say approximately 1.5 miles to the restaurant and 1.5 miles to pick up our wrist bands and check in for the ride. It was definitely a good idea to check in early because it was a mad house in the morning. We probably put in a good 5 miles or so of walking that night. Then in the morning it was another mile to our meeting spot before the ride but we were on our bikes so that was accomplished rather quickly.

The routes for the race were changed so the route we took was not the same as the one we practiced on.  All in all, it was a great first experience for us.  We saw so many custom built bikes, people in costume, and even many young kids participating in the shorter rides.  There were sooo many people there, over 10,000 cyclists. I was actually quite nervous about riding with the crowd but it was not as bad as I had expected.  As we got past the starting line it began to thin out.  The ride was really nice and the weather was beautiful. We headed up through Palm Canyon over to Indian Canyon then out past the 10 and as we circled back we went through a small part of Cathedral City.  On the old route we actually went through 3 cities.  The SAG stops were an experience in itself.  Then of course as we neared the end of our 25 mile ride, coming back into the heart of downtown Palm Springs we had the crowds cheering us on. It was an amazing feeling.

There were many flat tires along the way and I am glad to say I wasn't one of them this time around.  We had a few crashes occur no major injuries. However, we did lose a fellow cyclist.  She was participating in the 100 mile ride when she was struck by a van.  From what I heard, a vehicle stopped to allow the group of cyclists to pass through the intersection and the van behind them swerved to miss the stopped cars and ended up striking her and throwing her from her bike.  She was not a member of our group but the group she was a member with often rode with us in our trainings and was well known.  It was sad news to hear on such a wonderful day :-(  I was told by my friend M- that IEAB will place a ghost bike in her honor on Monday. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family.

You are the "Harmony-seeking Idealists"

Trying to catch up on my facebook posts. I've not been 100% for quite a few days.. So much to catch up on!  Feeling much much better and am extremely glad because I have my 25 mile Charity Ride this weekend in Palm Springs.  Excited and looking forward to seeing everyone from the cycling group again...

A co-worker posted a personality test on my facebook wall..so being bored I took it. I think it's quite fitting actually....here is what the results were....

Harmony-seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character.

But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy.

Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organised and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent - they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success.

How do you know what you know?

Can a student learn how to learn if they are left to their own devices?

If they know what they know, can they take that and go....with it?

It's just logical thinking after all. A puzzle that needs to be solved...

They hate when I ask them..."Are you sure about your answer? How sure are you?" Not only do they have to think of the answer to my question, NOW I make them think about their thoughts.  Damn...I'm mean!

How do you teach the unwilling?

I'm confused...

By your actions

By your words

By your eyes

By your touch

I'm tired of you treating me as if I am nothing.

If I am nothing to you, then say so and move on.

If I am something, ANYTHING to you, then act like it.

Cant you just be honest with me?  Its all I've ever done.  It's all I've ever wanted.

------Speaking of confused-------

Prof sent me a text today....we've known each other almost 18 years.... we lost touch for almost 6-7 years and have re-kindled an old friendship.... but, this text, I don't know what to think.... Why would he say this? Why would he put me in this position?  Not that there was a position to be in....maybe at one time there was....

Field Trip...again...

Mind is racing...
Heart is pounding...
Body is shivering...

Found a new path from MoVal through RivS to a back route behind GrandT and into LL.  Keeps me off the freeway. It never fails, heading home I always get into the wrong lane and end up going the wrong way. Oh well...ended up in LL.

Clear night. Orion seems to be following me. Only man that's paid any attention to me and my field trips. Did I mention that my last field trip, I was gone about an hour and my husband never even noticed I was gone? Love that man to death but sometimes I just wish he would open his eyes some...its lonely sometimes...

Prof and I have talked/texted almost everyday for the past.. idk...3 weeks or so. His ex is really clawing into him.  Hes told me that he's decided to stay in NC.  He's not quite sure how he's going to make it work but he said it would be best. I don't blame him, especially if his ex is going to screw him over with his kids. I don't understand how people can use their innocent children as leverage to hurt their S.O.  I would be lying if I said his leaving didn't bother me. I'm saddened by the news.  Perhaps this is what has kept my mind spinning... He's a rare find and a good friend.  We've had some pretty intense conversations and I've learned a lot from him over the years. I love seeing things from a different point of view and from others perspectives. I love his mind and I love that he shares that with me (no matter how many times he puts me in my place LOL).  He really turned me on to psychology. I don't know if I would have made it through my courses had he not taken me under his wing. 

Anyways, he's promised to steal me away for an hour or two (or three) when he returns.  He wants to take me to a poetry reading at one of the local coffee shops that he goes to often.  It might be interesting. I would have liked to have had him meet a friend of mine. Another amazing mind.  I think they would have hit it off.  It would be interesting to see the psychological mind and the metaphysical mind come together. 

Beautiful, busy weekend...
My mind still spins...
My head is still in the clouds...

Sigh...

Inspiration

My interest in Psychology has been reinspired by some of my readings lately.  Now where do I begin? Lets start with a quick yoga workout and a nice 20 mile bike ride.

To be continued...

An added challenge to spark some motivation...

I added some more motivation to my journey today.  I took the weekend to think about this challenge.  Its one thing to take my journey alone, and another thing to be a little more public about it.  My journey is something only I can make, just as your journey is only yours to make.  I've attempted to take this journey quite a few times on my own and have often ended up failing.  So here I am, 14 billion tries later, taking the same journey but using a different path to guide me. I'm not sure how many more paths I can take, but this one seems to be keeping me afloat.  Its about time...I've had quite a run of bad luck the past 3 or 4 years.  I'm tired of the cancer scares, and the surgeries, and the biopsies, and then with "life dramas."  I've have many scars physically, emotionally and spiritually.  So many failures, very little success.  Sad to admit, but I let my failure drive me at times.  

I'm determined to make 2014 a better year.  Not to be selfish on my part, but I'm going to take a little time to figure out who I am as a person and focus on me.  

The motivational challenge that I added to my journey is I joined my sites Biggest Loser challenge.  I did this once before, a few years ago at another site, and it didn't really turn out quite so well.  As I mentioned earlier, taking a journey like this on your own is one thing, but having people involved in it takes it to a whole new level.  It makes your failures a bit more public.  I know it seems that I've already written myself off as a failure, which I haven't...yet...but its something I must face as a possible reality.  I'm determined to see this to the end.  There aren't many more paths left for me.

I was reading through some of my facebook posts and I saw this quote shared by a friend.  Thought it was a little funny... I'm not one for "Dear Diary" entries...hell I'm not even one for Blogging, but yet here I am, baring my soul for everyone to read.  Of course I do this anonymously LOL :-P  But, I'm ok with that.

             "Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time." 

                                                             -- Tallulah Bankhead

So am I a good girl...or a bad girl...?  Why not both?

Anyways, speaking of baring my soul, I once heard someone say, "I am not the captain of my soul, I am only the noisiest passenger."

I am not one to rock the boat, but maybe its time I made a little noise?

So...I propose a toast to making attempts to taking some new risks and avoiding new failures... *drops glass on floor*  

damn it...

Palm Springs Training...Ah-mazing!

We arrived in Palm Springs at about 9 am Saturday morning.  We had an amazing turnout...about 50+ people showed up!!   There were two routes that the group planned to explore. The longer ride was 55 miles and the shorter ride was 26 miles.  Both routes were taken from the Tour de Palm Springs website.  I did the 26 mile ride along with my husband and about 23 others. It was absolutely beautiful on Saturday and it made the ride that much more enjoyable.  

During announcements, we welcomed MANY new members.  So many that the ride started off about 15 minutes behind schedule.  Once we got going, the ride started off great.  The Mayors Run/Walk Event was being held that day as well and some of the street were closed off for the event.  It didn't hinder our ride much, and at times we had police directing traffic for us as we passed through.  

Shortly into the ride, as we left Palm Springs and headed into Cathedral City, we had a few incidences occurs.  One gentleman had a flat tire, which we were able to quickly repair and move on.  Then we had a rider go down.  She hit a huge spot in the road that was raised up (as if the asphalt buckled) and as she tried to steer clear, her tires went out from under her.  We had to flag down a police cruiser and have paramedics called because she was feeling faint, and it appeared that she may have lost consciousness for a few seconds when she had hit the road. Paramedics checker her over.  She chose to not be taken to the hospital.  One of our group members rode back to get their truck and they transported her and her mangled bike back to our starting point, where her husband (who was on the 55 mile ride) rode back to meet her.  

The last incident on the ride was...me.  As we were rounding back into Palm Springs, my front tire went flat and I had to pull over. As I looked over my tire to see where my puncture might have been...I noticed the funniest thing.  I had a BIKE earring stuck in my tire.  I was taken out by a bike earring!! Later I found out that the earring belonged to one of the riders on my group.  Afterwards, at the luncheon, I showed the pictures of the bike earring stuck in my tire and returned the earring to its rightful owner. Hilarious!

My training ride out in Palm Springs was an amazing experience.  As I look back, my lack of self-confidence almost allowed me to talk myself out of participating.  I'm not sure where it stems from, but its definitely been a weakness of mine.  I've allowed so much to pass me by, because I've allowed myself to fear.  Fear new ideas, new experiences, new emotions, new environments, new encounters.  Let me say it... I will not allow FEAR to control me.  Huh...that was easy! Ask me later if following through with that statement was just as easy. Will I succumb to my own self-sabotage?

Its definitely something worth doing some more self-reflecting on!

     "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.       
      Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
      It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." -- Marianne Williamson

Tell me, dear reader...What fears do you have? 
Do you allow your fears to hold you back?
How will you overcome your fears?
How will you be powerful beyond measure?

I would love to hear your thoughts...

Maybe it will help me over come some of mine.

Its way too early to....ZzzZZzzz..

OMG its way to early to be up on a Saturday!  I really should have blogged this 1.5 hours ago...but I don't think I was coherent yet. Still not...

Heading out to Palm Springs...3 city training ride (26 miles). If I survive...I'll let you know.

Anyone know CPR? Or the number for 9-1-1-?  Keep them on speed dial for me! Today will mark my longest ride done.

I love my kids this year!

I have a really great group of kids this year. Cant pass math to save their life, but true hearts of gold and extremely hard workers.  I hated math most of my school life, and I turned out ok....right?  No really...right?

I have a following it seems... a bunch of my avid and rsp kids have taken it upon themselves to "decorate" my room.  They've come in and have done my birthday bulletin board, my chapter/standards bulletin board and for Christmas they came in and decorated my door with a Gingerbread house.  Now I must admit, they went overboard with the Gingerbread house, but it was their idea, they put it up and they took it down.  I couldn't ask for more.  Even got a great picture of my door...which, I might add, I had to splice together because I had to take multiple shots to get it to fit on the screen.

I'm starting to look at the world with a fresh set of eyes.  Why not? Its a New Year. A New Start.  Why not a new outlook? 

Oh and btw...my gate kids are telling me I need to stop being a Tom Boy! Good grief!