I cannot imagine...the heart ache...

     I cannot imagine the feeling of the lost of a child.  To have such a hole in your heart, destroys me.  My dear friend lost her precious baby girl to cancer this past weekend.  Please know that I am with you physically, spiritually and emotionally.

     Remember the happy memories, and remember how she would want to you to live your life.  She would not want you to suffer but to celebrate that she is no longer in pain and is free to live the her life as she was meant to when she was alive.

   
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalms 34:18

I love you my friend...

Training Ride Disaster

We started out in our 22 mile training ride through Sunset and about 16 miles in the chain broke on HIS bike as we're going up the last major hill. So the group pulled over to help us. While he was working on his chain, I started to feel funny.  I began to get dizzy, started to shake, my vision went...the best way I can describe it is...it got wavy or wiggly.  I then started to fade in and out and was about to pass out.  A friend grabbed my bike and I went to the ground. As I was sitting I started to chew as many lifesavers as I coulda good thing I grabbed a hand full before the ride. Another friend gave me his Honey Stinger packet.  I was ok after a few minutes, but I scared the heck outta myself.  Doc came with his truck and rescued me, although I felt I could finish the ride, Doc said it wasn't a good idea.  When I got home, my bp was on the low end and my blood sugar was at 79. Yes, I was definitely very low if that was my level after sucking down all the sugar just prior to testing.

Lesson: Don't be cocky with your blood sugar even if you are considered non-medicated and controlled. I'm a dumbass...

Let's see how the actual charity ride goes next Saturday now... I'll pack smarter...

Suicidal Tendencies?? or are you just testing me??

My heart breaks when you say I don't care.

My heart breaks when you say I'm not loving enough.

My heart breaks when you say I'm not supportive enough.

• I don't care that you are safe.  That is why I told you that you needed to leave before HE came home and turned on you like he did to your son.

• I don't care if you love him.  That is why I told you that you cannot abandon him in his hour of need, but that you still needed to protect yourself.

• I don't care if you want to do die.  That is why I threatened to call the police to check on you.

• I don't care about your problems. That is why I spent 4 hours on the phone with you and another 2 hours texting when I told you I was in bed already.

• I don't love you.  That is why threatened to call the police when you threatened to down a bottle of pills and vodka.

• I don't love you.  That is why my heart breaks when you say you don't want to go on.

What a fucking horrible friend I am.  You should have abandoned me years ago.  

I should come with a warning label:

"Warning: Will cause you nothing but heartache and will be a waste your valuable time.  Does not care, give support, and make any attempts to love you back. No loyalty shown EVER."

What is wrong with me?

I am not that person...am I?

...and now you text me... "I love you. You're a good friend. Lets grab dinner and a movie.  I'll ttyl."

WTF?  Not more than 5 minutes ago I was the worst friend in the world who didn't give a rats ass about you.  That or you are trying to diffuse the threat of me calling the cops on you to ensure that you are not a danger to yourself.

Was this a test?  Did I pass?

Perhaps I should just abandon myself...I'm confused.

Fuck. I can't sleep :(  

Suicide...its not the answer.  I've been down that road. I still have nightmares from it and my battle wounds, and trust me, I still think about it from time to time.  But I'm stronger now and I have my avenues to deal with it. 

If you have to test my loyalties, then in all those years we've known each other, you never knew me at all.  You treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Friend, Lover, or Enemy.  I don't live my life that way.  Its not in my nature. Its not worth the drama that follows it.

My loyalty is without contestation.  PERIOD. 

So....why is it I feel like a dumbass?

Someone save me...I'm worth it... I promise!

A Reading on Selfish

Selfish Genes, Selfish Memes 

Updated 3-26-2014 - INCOMPLETE 

Dawkins really has a way with his words.

As many of the excerpts that I have read, this one also appears to "point" in another direction besides religion.  Not an attack on religion itself or a denial, but more of an alternate "idea".

Whatever IT is... IT is Looking for stability...

Obviously if you are stable in your environment, your existence is secure.  Instability creates to many outliers, to many possibilities and outcomes, that the chance of "surviving" or "existing" decreases.  Your risk is too great?  Perhaps this is too simple of an interpretation behind the complexity of evolution.

Survival of the Fittest... "...discovered how to protect themselves [...] Replicators began no merely to exist, but to construct for themselves containers, vehicles for their continued existence."   [3.10.2208]  Adaptation.

Science vs. Religion

- Big Bang vs "In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth..." 

Movie: Transcendence - A play on Consciousness and ArtificialIntelligence

Tonight I saw an interesting trailer pop up on the TV.  

Transcendence starring Johnny Depp and Morgan Freeman.  Here is the information I was about to find on it:

“Dr. Will Caster is the foremost researcher in the field of Artificial Intelligence, working to create a sentient machine that combines the collective intelligence of everything ever known with the full range of human emotions. His highly controversial experiments have made him famous, but they have also made him the prime target of anti-technology extremists who will do whatever it takes to stop him. However, in their attempt to destroy Will, they inadvertently become the catalyst for him to succeed - to be a participant in his own transcendence. For his wife Evelyn and best friend Max Waters, both fellow researchers, the question is not if they can - but if they should. Their worst fears are realized as Will's thirst for knowledge evolves into a seemingly omnipresent quest for power, to what end is unknown. The only thing that is becoming terrifyingly clear is there may be no way to stop him.

The terminally ill scientist downloads his mind into a computer. This grants him power beyond his wildest dreams, and soon he becomes unstoppable.”

Here is the link to the trailer  -   Transcendence (2014)

Interesting...especially since it talks about a topic that I've recently been reading in "The Minds I."  The idea is brought up...is the body and the conscious separate?

Can a computer think for itself?  A quote from the book, there are "...no Pretensions to Originate Anything."  Are the mind and body two different entities? This movie seems to think they are separate, which is evident when they state the main character "downloads" his mind into a computer and becomes extremely powerful.

I am looking forward to seeing how things get played out.  

Comes out April 18, 2014.

What Sign Are You Actually? - Pretty Much has Me Down Solid.

What Star Sign Are You Actually?

You got: Cancer  

                       
Malachy120 / Thinkstock

You’re caring, generous and intuitive. You’re also very domestic and love spending time with your family. You get emotional quite easily, but that doesn’t stop your friends relying on you for support when times get tough.

Never Give Up...

A good friend sent this to me this morning...

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyways." - Earl Nightingale

Where is my Orion now?

He's my navigator,  my guiding light, my Beacon in the dark. 

It's not really dark, the moon is out but the clouds have covered my protector. My watchful eye. Perhaps he is mad that I called him out on his love for the "sisters".  I really should go back and reread the story on Orion and the 7 sisters.

I've made my way into MV.  I thought about looking for "Spirit Point" out in Reche, but I'm not about to drive through the back roads at this hour alone. This was a spot a few of us found back in high school.  When you were up there you could see the surrounding cities.

I have had a long day.  A friend of mine was fired from her job so I helped her pack up her room. It's a long and twisted series of events that led to this. It's amazing how many people you call "friend" will quickly turn on you.  I've heard so many people say so many things and then I hear her side.  Who are you to judge??  Who am I to judge?  I'm her friend.  If she has done wrong then let her face her consequences. Someone needs to stand by her side to say...let's pick up the pieces, let's take this path and let's go for here. No I cannot judge her. I have no right, especially when there are things I have or am doing in my own life that would not be deemed as "doing the the right thing."  Not that my situation is any where near hers. My life is not on the straight and narrow...hell...some of the things I've done would probably cost me my job because I would not be considered the "proper role model".  But my private life is just that... PRIVATE.

Stupid doctors. Stupid medical issues. Stupid life. Enough said.

S- wants to meet up for coffee and a concert in Riverside if he can swing it.  Starts at 8 - Jazz I think he said.  I bowl. But he only has a few days left in Cali. He promised to let me know by 4 at the latest. It's been a not-so-great day, I could use some cheering up.

Had a fight with the MAN today. That may be the reason for my field trip tonight. I needed out. Needed air. Again I could have used some conversation or even a bear hug. A Great BIG bear hug. One of thoes killer ones that S- always gives that steals the breath from your body. Ah well... Eventually I will find a place where I will be able to leach wifi from so I can post this...or...I can just wait til I get home. Anyways it was a stupid fight. At least he didn't smash his phone this time or put his fist through our closet door.

Sigh...17% battery left on my iPad.  I haven't even had a chance to clear my head. I didn't bring the car charger...life's way of telling me to shut up and go home.  BAH!

I guess its better than being out of gas...especially since I just realized I left my wallet at home...doh!

Results?

So I'm not sure how to take the results I got from D.  It wasn't even my D.  This D is filling in for my D who is on vacation.  So this D had to go back and look at my D's notes on my file so that this D doesn't mess up what the cardiologists was asking.  To many D's  does this mean I get and F?

SIGH...

A night out with my favorite man, Orion.

Great night to get away. I miss my photography.  My outlet to get away and just de-stress.   Im no good at night photography, not that my day photography is any better, but at least you can see something lol. Its a somewhat clear night and my faithful man, Orion, is keeping watch over me.  Too bad he doesnt talk back.  I could use a little conversation right about now.  "Hey Orion...which of the sisters did you really dig?"   -- static...alrighty then!

I learned something tonight...

I completely took control of my husbands body tonight. Taking the time to enjoy every inch of him and letting him know how I felt.  Not letting him have any say as to what needed to be done. I knew what I wanted and he did not object. I ran my hands and lips over him, giving quick nibbles along the way until our bodies lay motionless under the strain of our ecstasy.

I've been staring at the ceiling all night. I can't sleep.  As I laid naked in bed listening to the snores of my husband, my mind wanders.  I recalled all the things you and I talked about tonight. 

We are SO weird.  I know it...you know it...we both admit to it.  How does one go from conversations of the x-rated nature to philosophical and metaphysical debates?  What a pair we are!

I know I keep referring back to "us" from years ago, its one if my downfalls as a Cancer.  I also know that we found each other under stressful times back then. However, theres a part of me that hopes the bond we made is still alive in us somewhere. Even if its 9-10 years later.  We may not be the same people but we've some how managed to maintain some form of relationship going.

I did learn a little something tonight...

Its no surprise that I'm a control freak. So the question is...What is the surprise?  I have found that I actually do like giving up some control. SURPRISE!! I like living on the edge, stepping up to that symbolic line drawn on the ground and just teetering over the edge...ready to fall but not quite giving in.  Awaiting the next step but never getting there. ..teasing.  I haven't found this with many people...most push you over the edge without asking or saying a word. 

In all the years we've shown that side to each other, you have never given me a reason to not trust you. You have never pushed me or been disrespectful. I need you to know that I enjoyed this side of us and I still will.  You've allowed me to experience that edge with complete trust that you won't let me fall.

Theres still another side left to enjoy. One that I am grateful you are still willing to enjoy as well. Our "intellectual" side as you put it. It may not be the "us" from way back then but it's definitely an "us" that im looking forward to establishing. Not that we weren't intellectual back then lol! Heres to a new journey to find enlightenment,  knowledge and power...and still find our way to stay weird and goofy.  

I just hope that you weren't upset or freaking out about things that you disappear on me for months again...or forever :-(

"If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him."  -- Buddha.

Triathlon...really???

When you say my name and the word triathlon in the same sentence you just have to laugh. Me?! Do a triathlon? Sure I cycle. That's 1/3 of a triathlon. Run? Maybe...swim? No.  Beyond my fear of the water (open water) I can't really swim...well kinda... This afternoon I went on a pretty intense ride with a coworker.  She and her hubby came out and met up with us to do a trial run of a charity race that we have coming up in April.  She used to do triathlons and so we got started talking...in between huffing and puffing up the huge hills (which we survived btw lol).  She wants to get back into them and I may have entertained the idea in my head as we spoke... I write this with a goofy grin in my face because I cannot believe that this would be an idea I would consider.  Anyways...ended up at the Calirfornia Triathlon meeting out in Redlands tonight.  Oh boy!  Seriously??  We will come back to this chapter at another time lol!

Hope...

My faith in you...my friend...was shaken.

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me

Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

I've got to believe
I still have hope.

Thank you Danny Gokey...

Riddles? Why not just be straight forward?

So the confusion sets in....

What is it with men and their "jigsaw puzzle" ways of answering questions?

Its been a long day.  Left work about 4 to head over to the alley and after all the shots and funny pictures I got home about 8:30. HE messaged me earlier today and stated he would be back out in area this Friday for a week or so.  I'm happy.  I really am.  He wants to catch up and have lunch.  Is it weird that I love his brain?  Anyways, I told him I would love to see him again....about an hour later (and 3 shots in) I get this message..."Why do you love me?"  and I told him because he puts up with my childish ways, my dumbass comebacks, his understanding then I asked...do I have to have a reason?  Another 30 minutes or so later he says "Everything has a reason, just as everything happens for a reason."  So like WTF?  I know I've had a few shots, but come on... I asked him to explain, but the only thing I get from him is "No worries Babycakes. You know I still love you" and nothing else all night.

I hate the riddles...I'd rather a person just ask me straight out then dance around a topic.  JUST ASK!

I guess I'm guilty of dancing around things too...damnit.

On a different side of riddles...

So here's a riddle my kids gave me the other day... "What does the Fox say?"  Although I know the hype...I told my kids they can write me an essay on what they think the Fox is saying...they just laughed.  I'm scared now.... LOL

This is why I dont talk to people. Sigh.

So...most of the people I know are the biggest gossips in the world.  Which is good for me cause I get all the juicy gossip and the latest and greatest info on the scandals going around.

I am a very quiet person. I do not like sharing a lot of myself and I hate when people pry me for information on other people. 

So a few years ago I was "supposedly" the scandle of the year with someone I was close with.

I got the "well you're my friend so I can tease you about it" blah blah blah.. yeah yeah cute and all but then I started getting the "so have you bedded him yet? When are you going to make it official?"

Really?? Seriously??  Just how old are you? Dont they understand shit like that can ruin a persons marriage? Theres a point where it goes to far. 

Every so often I still get the "oooh you still talk to him? Wow really, you guys have been flirting forever! "  I've learned to ignore the comments, keep things simple and I shut it down quickly...but why? Why do they assume?  People have no lives and no care for messing up relationships or friendships because they let their mouths run wild.  That friendship was scarred a little but I think over the years we found a new path.

I'm NOT one of those who let's their mouths run wild.  It's not my style. 

One word.

Trust.

We all want it but its so damn hard to find.  You've got it here if I can count on you for the same.