Hate

...TODAY I HATE...
...I hate my life...
...I hate my marriage...
...I hate being being lonely all the time...
...I hate feeling angry all the time...
...I hate being unwanted...
...I hate being stupid...
...I hate you...
...I hate me...
...TODAY I HATE...

Scars

Im a lie.

I paint a good picture outside.But inside Im broken.

The stress is becoming so strong; the cracks are starting to show.

I need the scars to remember.

Let them run red...

.../...\...

Im becoming as lifeless as you. I think Im broken but I dont feel the pain. Im becoming numb.

Happy? What's that?

Are you sad? No

Are you happy? I don't really know what happy is anymore.

How can we be happy if you don't know what happy is? I am not sure anymore.

___________________

I cant pretend anymore... sadly its getting harder and harder to.

He described...

So... I've started this post over and over a hundred times and I've deleted it a hundred times.

But it haunts me.

My husband, on several occasions, has described in detail, the thoughts that go through his mind when he is thinking about killing himself. 

*heavy sigh*

He onces told me that he had felt he had disappointed me so much that at 2 am he walked himself to the kitchen. He walked past the dogs to the medicine cabinet and looked over all his pills. He thought out the process of swallowing each and every pill he had.

About a week or two ago, he told me about the time he had gotten up... maybe 3 am...  because he had laid in bed thinking about a specific extension cord in our garage that he could hang himself with. Then the next day he packed up the extension cords and took them to storage. He gave such details... it was scary.

I dont sleep well. Every move he makes, I often wake up wondering if he is going to hurt himself. 

I dont want to tell him... I dont want to give him a reason for anxiety.

.....

Today I sat...

Today I sat.

I sat in the parking lot this morning.  I sat well past reporting time. I sat well past supervision time. I even sat right up until the bell to go to first period.

What was I doing? What was I thinking? I don't know. I just needed to organize my thoughts.

Im trying to understand the mind games. I know better. Im not stupid. Is that what you think?

My thoughts swirl and the organizing is cut short by the dreaded, dull tone of the first period bell...

Breathe in... breathe out. Now smile and greet everyone.

Age discrepancy

My body is confused.

Lately, I've had the urge to run. To get as far as I can from my stressed out life. From those who use me. From those who drag me along for their ride. From those who say one thing but do the other. I usually take "field trips" but no... I want to run away. Like a 13 year old.

Lately, I've had day dreams about someone. Someone who I think would sweep me off my feet. My Prince Charming riding in on his horse to save me. Riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after.  I long for him. Like a 16 year old romance novel guru.

Lately, I've been thinking about the "what ifs". They say there is no regret like chances wasted and the decsions we waited to long to make.  Regrets, like the 80 year old woman at the end of her life... wishing she could do things over

Currently, I've felt myself give up. Giving up the need for communication, touch, attention, to be loved, to feel wanted, to be happy. Have I settled for less? What the hell is wrong with me.

I thought I had an outlet. An outlet that satisfied most of those that I may have given up on.  But maybe Im not the only one who has given up? For some odd reason... this saddens me more than my settling for less... sigh...

Currently, I am a 42 year old giver upper.

Take that English Majors!

Losing that feeling?

Can you love someone and not be in love with them? Obviously.

What about someone you dedicated your life too? I guess that's obvious too.

I think I'm falling out of love. 

You show no interest in me and I'm starting to lose interest in you. Just saying these words makes me want to cry.

It's very lonely.  Quite honestly I feel that is how my life was meant to be.

Alone.

I'm the sock without a match. 

A needle without a vein. 

Yin without Yang.

Migraine without drugs... hah! Ugh :'(

Head hurts. I hate writing.

Oh, on a side note. Thank you for making me feel I'm not worth a moment of your time.

I am the convenience.

The Day Before You

...There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
It makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you

Were shapin' my heart for the day that I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you...

-- Rascal Flatts

My Life... Saved...

You Saved Me.
Every Day.
Every Day.
You Save My Life.

Broken frame

I feel like a picture with a broken frame. I'm broken but I hold in all my contents and no one suspects a thing.  Of course, no one cares to ask either.

What matters...what is real? It seems to be only yourself.  There is nothing else but me me me, or rather.... "I"

So why do we need others? If it all boils down to just me, myself and I.  

Why or Why Not?

"You can never 'Just Be Friends' with someone you fell in love with."

Why?

Why Not?

I'm still friends with at least 2 of my previous relationships.  Do we hang out? Sometimes... One more than the other, although he has moved back East to be with his kid.  However, when he comes back to visit his parents, we have lunch and catch up with each other.  He's silly, he's stupid, he's amazingly smart.  Great catch for anyone to be honest and it's good to see he is doing well.

Is it because it's awkward?  Sexual tension?  I don't know. Maybe there is sexual tension between us, but that doesn't mean we can't care about each other still.  There's sexual tension everywhere.  If you act on it...great. If you don't act on it...super! Sit down, have a drink, talk awhile, laugh... it's good for the soul.  Jealousy, bitterness, hate, anger... it ruins your soul.

I saw a quote from another user:

"You will not be punished FOR your anger, you will be punished BY your anger." -- Buddha

Sometimes I need to fall apart too...

How careless, thoughtless, emotionless you are.

Today I do not like you.
Tomorrow I hope I like you.

Keep it together...
Be strong...
Do it for us...
Do it for him...

I need to crumble...
I need to be weak...
Do it for me...
He holds me together...

Random thoughts...

** warning no direction to this post **

Brain is on overload...This year has dealt me a funny card. Prepare for written  diarrhea of the mouth!

So, I finally got the follow through on something I've been asking about for years.  But, I feel guilty.  Guilty for making his struggles worse, guilty for questioning my loyalty, guilty for feeling guilty.

Flipping through so many thoughts right now....

I lost my husband again.  The new meds have put him right back to where he was before he started this journey...WITHOUT the suicidal thoughts.  I'm sad again.

I was planning to do this big summer travel where we would fly out to Georgia to visit my father in law, but he passed away in October.  Then from Georgia we would fly out to New York to visit my Uncle and God Mother. I lost her 3 weeks ago. From there, our last stop would be Ohio to see my sisters. Finally back home.

Am I a curse?

I have a friend, of 9 years,  just tell me that everything he's spoken to me about has been a lie. Well not everything...just 90% of everything as if that made it better. He then proceeded to tell me how he hated Indian people beause of this and that. His wife cheated on him with a guy he thought was his friend (of Indian heritage). Then begs me to tell him that Im not Indian.  WTF?  Is he afraid I will ask his wife about the affair? We are friends and I have her on facebook. The affair is their business not mine. Besides, I know so much...if I wanted to...I could blabbed years ago. Im not a bitch.

He has not spoken to me since October. 

What the hell is wrong with people?

Is my "friendship" that easily disposable?

Im sure this post has taken several tangents...but theres so much going on in my head right now.

I feel abandoned.

Goodbye.

Have you seen my...

I'm finding my patience isnt as plentiful as it used to be these days.  Which is odd...because I can sit and watch my son sleep for what seems to be an eternity.

I cant deal with people. They annoy me right now. I hate fake people. I hate people who pretend...

Ah well...back to my limited patience. Have you seen it?

Remember...Im a person. I have feelings too even if you dont care. Please dont be fake with me.

.........

I.
AM.
AlONE.

Is time really my friend...

...or are we destined to be enemies for life?

As I sit here in this book store, I hear some rather interesting conversations.  Not that I'm listening in on conversations...ok well...maybe not intentionally.

Destiny...it is what it is.  Do we all have a destiny of our own?  Can we change our destiny like we change our clothes simply because we don't like what we see?

Rise

Don't get angry
or enraged
or insulted.
Rise above the bullshit.
Flick your light back on,
and shine it brighter than ever,
and fall so deeply in love
with your own life
that anyone who tried to wrong you
becomes a laughable, ridiculous
distant, memory.

     -- Cara Alwill Leyba

Its Inevitable I know...

Fall in love... get married... start a family... live a long happy life... and grow silver together.  Isn't that how the dream goes?

Sure, there will be bumps and bruises but thats life. You try to find a compromise or solution,  adapt and move on to life's next hurdle.

No one goes through life with the thought of that dream being cut short. Whether it be by Gods hand or your own.

Today I had a panic attack. My husband went off to pick up breakfast that I had ordered for all of us. I wasn't feeling well enough to cook.  The location is only 12 minutes from us but it had been almost an hour since he had left.

I went to get my phone so I could see what time I placed the order and to also send him a text. I couldn't find my phone. My brain started to play back the events of our conversation just prior to him leaving.  He had told our son, "be good for mommy." A simple request. But with all that we've been through, my brain went straight to red alert.

Somethings wrong. I gotta  get my phone.  I need to see if he is ok.  I can feel my heart racing and my breathing becoming more rapid. I'm about to go into a full panic attack. Where the hell is my phone!

He comes walking through the door.  He sees I'm panicked and asks if I'm ok. I told him what had happened....

I forgot to order him a side of pancakes and so he waited for them to be cooked........................

I find my phone...sitting right next to me...in silent mode.

#FML

Confused...

He told me his brain knew he was watching and made him wake up. So he got up and cleaned the kitchen. 

If I didnt push him to talk to someone, he would have killer himself.

So many feelings...emotions.

Scared.

Lonely.

Im breaking.