After the Explosion...

I haven't blogged in a while. It seems like I only do when things are negative. I don't want negative memories.  I want to talk... but there's never anyone there for me... especially at midnight on a holiday...and during a nice break from work.  So...I'll just talk to your messenger.

I often think about what it would be like if I had left my marriage/relationship at the first sign of trouble.  Then I ask myself if I'm strong enough to love alone. Because who would want someone like me... I'm weak. Im a glutton for punishment. I enjoy having  alone time, but I am unsure of my place in peoples lives.  But then I realize, to get through this...I'd have to be strong. Stupid...but strong.

Often times I feel broken...fragmented.

Split personality sort of....the responsible adult that goes to work, pays her bills. The parent...which I can say now with my heart full of love... The lover...no matter how one sided it feels, I still love and care enough to take care of "him" The pervert...I still crave that intimate connection and I enjoy being naughty.  There are many pieces of me here...

Just thoughts...had to get them down...

"After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces of me back together." - Ray Bradbury

Dear God...

Dear God...

They say You only give us what we can handle...

Please. No more.

I can't handle anymore.

I thought I was strong.

I was wrong.

Night and Day

It's true...it is possible to be married and feel like the loneliest person in the world.

I hate coming to bed with you. 

I hate crying myself to sleep at night.

This is the place I feel the loneliest.

This is the place I feel the most negativity.

This is the place that I feel is the start of an ending.

What's sad is this is also the place where a new start is going to happen.

I long for that physical connection.

...that emotional connection.

...that intimate connection.

I long for his touch.

...for his warmth.

...for his desire.

I love waking up with you.

In the daylight is where you make me feel needed.

...I feel somewhat important.

...I feel as if I exist.

Daylight...