A Little Freelance Perhaps?

So my cycling group has asked me to redesign our team jersey and create a membership brochure for them.  I'm rather excited about this.  However, I have no idea how to design a jersey!  Mind is spinning...so many ideas!  I don't know what the realms of possibility are for a jersey, nor do I know costs.  This will be an interesting challenge!

A little late...my Sunday post...

Sunday was a beautiful day out at the beach. I had sand between my toes, the wind in my hair, and the sun on my skin.  The highlight of the day was watching my nieces as they buried each other in the sand and remembered thinking...at what point I should become concerned. Chest height?  Neck height? Crown height? I guess as long as they were still laughing all was good LOL. I had many activities planned for the kids. I had my 3 year old kite that I bought from seaport which has yet to have its maiden flight.  With all the activities going on, unfortunately for my poor kite, that flight is on hold still. One day...soon.  Among the activities with us, I witnessed a small group doing yoga on the beach.  I was almost tempted to join them, but with the sun  as hot as it was I just observed.  I had missed my own yoga session to bring the family out to the beach.

My mind wandered a lot that day.  Its been doing that often in the past few weeks.  I've had some pretty steamy dreams lately.  I'd take those over the ghostly ones I tend to have from time to time.  The same ghostly dream I've had for years.  I just don't know what to make of it.  My grandmother always reaches out for me and wants to take me somewhere but I can never get past that point.  By that time, she's crying out for me as someone drags her away. Then I wake up.  Anyways...I keep saying I'll post about my dreams, but I haven't found time yet.  Even this post is 2 days late.  Oh well...steamy dreams and all... I must get a move on.  I have a dinner date with a friend!

Little Messages

A friend sent this to me this morning...This is why I love him to death...

"Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room."

As an over weight person on her way to finding her skinny side (well skinnier side) I have very little self esteem. I have gone through and still go through all the emotions of being flawed, unattractive,  unneeded,  not worthy....you name it I've been there.  Most of all I often feel broken.  Its a great feeling to hear others (family, friends, spouse) tell you that you are wonderful or even beautiful.  Unfortunately its few and far between.

I am that broken window...will you be my light?

An Hour of My Time - Interesting Cop!

 I hit a hurdle. It wont let me cross over. I'm absolutely frustrated. I have so many goals that have carried over from last year that are as about as stubborn as the days are long.

Absolutely frustrated and a bit defeated... I couldn't be in the house another minute. I took off for about an 45 minutes, almost an hour.

I didn't want to go to no coffee shop, or sit in a book store, iHop, or Denny's. I really didn't want to be around people. This was strange for me, usually when I take off like this, as much as I enjoy the time to myself, I really wish I had someone to talk to. This time... no.

I pulled into a crowded parking lot, towards that back away from most cars. I was leeching Wifi. Shitty signal, but leeching none the less. I didn't need wifi for my kindle app on my iPad, but from time to time I wanted to pop into facebook and read some of the suggestions on a few photographs I posted in my photography group.

I noticed across the parking lot that there were lights among the mountain side sweeping across the trees.  Who or what they are looking for? After a while, saw the dark figures appear. 2 police officers and 2 young men. I don't think they found what they were looking. They stood and spoke awhile and then eventually dispersed. It entertained me for a while, but there was no use in guessing the story of the 2 young men. I went back to my reading...

Shortly, I noticed one of the police cruisers come around the parking lot and I started to get fidgety. He was coming my direction.  Here I am, some creepy chick in a truck, in the dark, playing with her....iPad. He pulled into the parking spot next to me, rolled down his windows...and I started to think to myself...wtf?! He makes a gesture for me to roll my window down. Am I breaking some law? "Good evening mam, is everything alright?" I of course chime in with "Oh yes officer, all is well. I'm just reading." Did that sound stupid? What a dumb ass I am.

To my confusion, he continues a conversation with me..."Oh thats nice. I'm just thinking about ordering some dinner. I'm about to go off for the night." He holds up a piece of paper, which I can only assume is a take out menu.  As he talks, I'm sitting here wondering what the heck is going on. Does he normally just pull up next to strangers and talk to them? "How long have you been here?" he asks. So now I'm thinking I've overstayed my welcome...in what I thought was a public parking lot.  "I've been here almost 15-20 minutes. I didn't think it would be a problem. I will leave."

He laughs at me and says, "Oh no no. Its ok. I was just curious. Its not often I find women sitting in the parking lot...reading." My mind is still spinning, not sure as to where all this was going. Was he going to card me? Ask for license and registration? But no...he continued to just talk. Asked me how I was, what I was reading, asked if I did this often, if I had a good day and he spoke to me of himself, how his day was good now that it was over and he was about to go off for the night. Said his name was Dan. I hesitated when I told him my name...should I tell him my real name? Given him an alias? Yeah great...I'm debating the ethical dilemmas I would have for lying to a police officer in my head as I go blurt out..."My name is... (my real name)"

He gets out of his car and again my mind races...ok here it is, he's going to ask me to step outta the vehicle and show some proof of identification. I swear officer! I'm not about to rob the place! He heads over to my window where he peers in as if he's checking for something suspicious. I guess he confirms that I really am alone. I can feel my hands shaking. He smiles at me and asks how I like my tablet. Gorgeous smile. Too bad I couldn't see his eyes LOL My weakness, eyes and a gorgeous smile.  WTF! Flip channels fast! I told him it was nice, and that I liked it better than the Kindle Nook. He talked a little more than said, "Well, I've gotta get some dinner going. You have a good evening (says my name)." I returned the favor, said his name, and smiled back.

I didn't get ANY reading done that night to say the least...but it was an interesting night out.

Trust...

I had a former student from a few years back email me the other day.   We still kinda keep in touch because I'm friends with her aunt (who raises her) and see her from time to time when I go over.  She thanked me for all the things I’ve done for her. She was a shy, sweet, heavy set girl who had a hard time making friends. She was also lesbian and she came out to me first before speaking with her aunt.  I guess she found comfort in talking with me.  She would always ask to help me with stuff in the classroom and run little errands for me.  I saw a lot of me in her and I told her this about me in my last email to her:

________________

People assume a lot from your actions.  I can be silly, crazy, weird and childish at times but I’m still shy and very quiet.  I can be quite awkward and am often nervous.  Am I ever not nervous? I don’t think so.  Do I ever “come around” ?  Yes.  It takes time for me to break out of my shell.  Those people who are willing to stick around for that are the ones you should treasure.  

I’m usually the last to be picked, the last to be thought of, and very rarely invited to do things.  I’m not very outgoing, and my ability to keep a conversation going is about as dead as a door nail.  I’m SUPER horrible at keeping in touch.  That doesn’t make me any less of a person or a friend and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care about others and that doesn't make me not put others first before me. I'm just more careful at who I chose to do that for now.

My shyness and how quiet I am makes things hard.  It is because of this I have to work twice as hard as most people to stay in the social loop.  I’m one of the nicest people you might ever meet.  Often though, I end up getting walked over, taken advantage of, used and abused.

You have to understand, people are going to judge you no matter what.  So be the person you want to be, and not the person they want you to be.  If they can’t accept you for you, its not YOU that’s not worth a damn…its them.

______________

I laughed when she said I must be a party animal by now.  Too bad I’m still shy, quiet and out of the loop!  LOL But I’m trying, and that’s what counts!  

Being shy and quiet does not mean that is all there is to you.  I wish people would look beyond that and give me a chance. I have a lot to offer just as she has a lot.  Loyalty, trust and kindness is what keeps people around. I have a lot of that to offer, but I try to be careful because people take advantage of that. Stay guarded.

I had a friend ask me the other day.. Why do I trust him?  Because it is in my nature, but it doesn't come in the blink of an eye.  Finding someone to share your "weirdness" and "deep secrets" with is hard to come by. Why would I ruin something like that? We kinda got thrown into a situation that sorta required trust right off the bat and I haven't had a reason to feel betrayed. Especially with the information we've both shared with each other.  How I decided to give that trust....idk it was a feeling. He's protective of himself and his family as am I.  Why would we share such potentially hazardous information with each other if we didn't feel that level of trust? Why risk it? Am I wrong? Or perhaps I am a dumbass like S said I was?

*stepping off my semi-soap box". Ok...who wants to have a beer with me??

Title? A quote from The Enders Game...got my brain spinning...yikes!

My ramblings for the night.   

“I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them.... I destroy them.”  -- a powerful quote I think...some quick thoughts on this...

Sure, Ender talks about his enemy in the midst of war, but what is it to truly destroy a person? A lack of understanding? A lack of communication? Prejudgments? Then what is it to truly understand a person?

My problem...I try to understand everyone.  I analyze, question, research, and understand to the best of my ability.  I don't hate anyone. I don't want to destroy anyone. I don't think I have any enemies. I may have stalkers (LOL) but enemies? I hope not. I pride myself in trying to get along with everyone.  I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone becuase in the end, it hurts me as well. Some people may think that is a weakness, and often times...I feel the same. Communication is key.

So the philosophy behind, "love your enemies" is a challenging one.  Understanding there is good and evil and that they "might" be a choice one makes (however debatable that might be).  I believe everyone has the ability to be either good or evil.  Understanding a person, their actions, their reasoning, and their choices just might be your saving grace. Your protection. Perhaps this is where the saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" comes into play. 

"There is no teacher but the enemy."  

All your trainings will prepare you for nothing.  The only way to truly be prepared is to live it.

All in all, The Enders Game was interesting.  I wish I had read the book first (which is sitting in my dropbox as we speak (LOL).

Alrighty...all over the place, I know. But eh, that's life I guess... Another duality to think about.  There is no clarity without confusion, just as there is no good without evil.

Good night.