How do you know what you know?

Can a student learn how to learn if they are left to their own devices?

If they know what they know, can they take that and go....with it?

It's just logical thinking after all. A puzzle that needs to be solved...

They hate when I ask them..."Are you sure about your answer? How sure are you?" Not only do they have to think of the answer to my question, NOW I make them think about their thoughts.  Damn...I'm mean!

How do you teach the unwilling?

I'm confused...

By your actions

By your words

By your eyes

By your touch

I'm tired of you treating me as if I am nothing.

If I am nothing to you, then say so and move on.

If I am something, ANYTHING to you, then act like it.

Cant you just be honest with me?  Its all I've ever done.  It's all I've ever wanted.

------Speaking of confused-------

Prof sent me a text today....we've known each other almost 18 years.... we lost touch for almost 6-7 years and have re-kindled an old friendship.... but, this text, I don't know what to think.... Why would he say this? Why would he put me in this position?  Not that there was a position to be in....maybe at one time there was....

Field Trip...again...

Mind is racing...
Heart is pounding...
Body is shivering...

Found a new path from MoVal through RivS to a back route behind GrandT and into LL.  Keeps me off the freeway. It never fails, heading home I always get into the wrong lane and end up going the wrong way. Oh well...ended up in LL.

Clear night. Orion seems to be following me. Only man that's paid any attention to me and my field trips. Did I mention that my last field trip, I was gone about an hour and my husband never even noticed I was gone? Love that man to death but sometimes I just wish he would open his eyes some...its lonely sometimes...

Prof and I have talked/texted almost everyday for the past.. idk...3 weeks or so. His ex is really clawing into him.  Hes told me that he's decided to stay in NC.  He's not quite sure how he's going to make it work but he said it would be best. I don't blame him, especially if his ex is going to screw him over with his kids. I don't understand how people can use their innocent children as leverage to hurt their S.O.  I would be lying if I said his leaving didn't bother me. I'm saddened by the news.  Perhaps this is what has kept my mind spinning... He's a rare find and a good friend.  We've had some pretty intense conversations and I've learned a lot from him over the years. I love seeing things from a different point of view and from others perspectives. I love his mind and I love that he shares that with me (no matter how many times he puts me in my place LOL).  He really turned me on to psychology. I don't know if I would have made it through my courses had he not taken me under his wing. 

Anyways, he's promised to steal me away for an hour or two (or three) when he returns.  He wants to take me to a poetry reading at one of the local coffee shops that he goes to often.  It might be interesting. I would have liked to have had him meet a friend of mine. Another amazing mind.  I think they would have hit it off.  It would be interesting to see the psychological mind and the metaphysical mind come together. 

Beautiful, busy weekend...
My mind still spins...
My head is still in the clouds...

Sigh...

Inspiration

My interest in Psychology has been reinspired by some of my readings lately.  Now where do I begin? Lets start with a quick yoga workout and a nice 20 mile bike ride.

To be continued...

An added challenge to spark some motivation...

I added some more motivation to my journey today.  I took the weekend to think about this challenge.  Its one thing to take my journey alone, and another thing to be a little more public about it.  My journey is something only I can make, just as your journey is only yours to make.  I've attempted to take this journey quite a few times on my own and have often ended up failing.  So here I am, 14 billion tries later, taking the same journey but using a different path to guide me. I'm not sure how many more paths I can take, but this one seems to be keeping me afloat.  Its about time...I've had quite a run of bad luck the past 3 or 4 years.  I'm tired of the cancer scares, and the surgeries, and the biopsies, and then with "life dramas."  I've have many scars physically, emotionally and spiritually.  So many failures, very little success.  Sad to admit, but I let my failure drive me at times.  

I'm determined to make 2014 a better year.  Not to be selfish on my part, but I'm going to take a little time to figure out who I am as a person and focus on me.  

The motivational challenge that I added to my journey is I joined my sites Biggest Loser challenge.  I did this once before, a few years ago at another site, and it didn't really turn out quite so well.  As I mentioned earlier, taking a journey like this on your own is one thing, but having people involved in it takes it to a whole new level.  It makes your failures a bit more public.  I know it seems that I've already written myself off as a failure, which I haven't...yet...but its something I must face as a possible reality.  I'm determined to see this to the end.  There aren't many more paths left for me.

I was reading through some of my facebook posts and I saw this quote shared by a friend.  Thought it was a little funny... I'm not one for "Dear Diary" entries...hell I'm not even one for Blogging, but yet here I am, baring my soul for everyone to read.  Of course I do this anonymously LOL :-P  But, I'm ok with that.

             "Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time." 

                                                             -- Tallulah Bankhead

So am I a good girl...or a bad girl...?  Why not both?

Anyways, speaking of baring my soul, I once heard someone say, "I am not the captain of my soul, I am only the noisiest passenger."

I am not one to rock the boat, but maybe its time I made a little noise?

So...I propose a toast to making attempts to taking some new risks and avoiding new failures... *drops glass on floor*  

damn it...

Palm Springs Training...Ah-mazing!

We arrived in Palm Springs at about 9 am Saturday morning.  We had an amazing turnout...about 50+ people showed up!!   There were two routes that the group planned to explore. The longer ride was 55 miles and the shorter ride was 26 miles.  Both routes were taken from the Tour de Palm Springs website.  I did the 26 mile ride along with my husband and about 23 others. It was absolutely beautiful on Saturday and it made the ride that much more enjoyable.  

During announcements, we welcomed MANY new members.  So many that the ride started off about 15 minutes behind schedule.  Once we got going, the ride started off great.  The Mayors Run/Walk Event was being held that day as well and some of the street were closed off for the event.  It didn't hinder our ride much, and at times we had police directing traffic for us as we passed through.  

Shortly into the ride, as we left Palm Springs and headed into Cathedral City, we had a few incidences occurs.  One gentleman had a flat tire, which we were able to quickly repair and move on.  Then we had a rider go down.  She hit a huge spot in the road that was raised up (as if the asphalt buckled) and as she tried to steer clear, her tires went out from under her.  We had to flag down a police cruiser and have paramedics called because she was feeling faint, and it appeared that she may have lost consciousness for a few seconds when she had hit the road. Paramedics checker her over.  She chose to not be taken to the hospital.  One of our group members rode back to get their truck and they transported her and her mangled bike back to our starting point, where her husband (who was on the 55 mile ride) rode back to meet her.  

The last incident on the ride was...me.  As we were rounding back into Palm Springs, my front tire went flat and I had to pull over. As I looked over my tire to see where my puncture might have been...I noticed the funniest thing.  I had a BIKE earring stuck in my tire.  I was taken out by a bike earring!! Later I found out that the earring belonged to one of the riders on my group.  Afterwards, at the luncheon, I showed the pictures of the bike earring stuck in my tire and returned the earring to its rightful owner. Hilarious!

My training ride out in Palm Springs was an amazing experience.  As I look back, my lack of self-confidence almost allowed me to talk myself out of participating.  I'm not sure where it stems from, but its definitely been a weakness of mine.  I've allowed so much to pass me by, because I've allowed myself to fear.  Fear new ideas, new experiences, new emotions, new environments, new encounters.  Let me say it... I will not allow FEAR to control me.  Huh...that was easy! Ask me later if following through with that statement was just as easy. Will I succumb to my own self-sabotage?

Its definitely something worth doing some more self-reflecting on!

     "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.       
      Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
      It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." -- Marianne Williamson

Tell me, dear reader...What fears do you have? 
Do you allow your fears to hold you back?
How will you overcome your fears?
How will you be powerful beyond measure?

I would love to hear your thoughts...

Maybe it will help me over come some of mine.

Its way too early to....ZzzZZzzz..

OMG its way to early to be up on a Saturday!  I really should have blogged this 1.5 hours ago...but I don't think I was coherent yet. Still not...

Heading out to Palm Springs...3 city training ride (26 miles). If I survive...I'll let you know.

Anyone know CPR? Or the number for 9-1-1-?  Keep them on speed dial for me! Today will mark my longest ride done.

I love my kids this year!

I have a really great group of kids this year. Cant pass math to save their life, but true hearts of gold and extremely hard workers.  I hated math most of my school life, and I turned out ok....right?  No really...right?

I have a following it seems... a bunch of my avid and rsp kids have taken it upon themselves to "decorate" my room.  They've come in and have done my birthday bulletin board, my chapter/standards bulletin board and for Christmas they came in and decorated my door with a Gingerbread house.  Now I must admit, they went overboard with the Gingerbread house, but it was their idea, they put it up and they took it down.  I couldn't ask for more.  Even got a great picture of my door...which, I might add, I had to splice together because I had to take multiple shots to get it to fit on the screen.

I'm starting to look at the world with a fresh set of eyes.  Why not? Its a New Year. A New Start.  Why not a new outlook? 

Oh and btw...my gate kids are telling me I need to stop being a Tom Boy! Good grief!

Only a month away...Some dates to keep in mind...

With the discontinuation of the 15 mile ride for the Tour de Palm Springs, I've officially upgraded to the 25 mile ride.  I was a little frustrated that I had not heard anything from the event coordinators about them discontinuing the ride. I basically found this out through my cycling group, although they stated it was the 10 mile that was discontinued.  I'm so glad I checked on it.  Anyways, the event coordinator I spoke with was able to fix my registration and all is well.  The funny thing here... 6 hours AFTER I get my registration fixed, I get an email from the "event group" about the discontinuation. Sorry. You're a little late. I beat you to the punch.  Either way, I'm really looking forward to this charity ride.

So here are some the training dates planned between now and the race on February 8th.  

Training - Cycling Group

• Saturday, January 11th in Palm Springs - 26.4 miles 
• Saturday, January 18th in Redlands - 15.2 miles
• Saturday, January 25th in San Bernardino 21.2 miles
• Saturday, February 1st in Redlands 20.9 miles

Training - Individual

• An extra ride or two each week in shorter distances (7-10 miles)
• Supplemented with the last phase (phase 3) of p90x.

As my for my p90x journey... I have to admit, I'm feeling a huge difference from it, especially when I'm riding.  I've done more push ups, planks and chaturangas than I care to say but for some reason those superman-banana combos I really like.  The hour and half yoga workout..KICKS MY ASS!!  Of all the workouts, I really like the Kenpo X.  There's nothing more empowering thaN punching and kicking air lol! I'm hoping to complete my first cycle of p90x by the end of the month.  

On a side note...did a little reading tonight...And every time I reread this passage, I find new ideas and new branches to wander off on....excellent reading...perhaps it's time to move on to the next passage...

Good night...Sweet Dreams...

To hearts which near each other move
From evening close to morning light,
The night is good; because, my love,
They never say good-night.

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Scarred...

No late night drives... No get aways... No me time...

For now...Its just you and me dear blog...

Its amazing how being scarred can leave you closed off to the world.  Perhaps its not "leaves you", but "forces you" to close off from the world. 

Being...
My nights are restless.
My dreams are empty.
My mind wanders.
My body rebels.

Lost...
I've lost myself.
I've lost my identity.
I've lost my self-worth.
I've lost my way.

Longing...
I long to be wanted.
I long for warmth.
I long to be thought of.
I long to be me.

Shift...
A glimmer of hope.
A chance to heal.
A chance to find myself.
My eyes wide open.

I am worth saving!
I want to live again.

Physically and Emotionally...my journey brings me closer to me.

A new wind blows in my direction...in the form of hope...

Save Me...

The Mind's What??

Since when does My Captain become My Teacher? I guess the day he gave me homework :-P

2.4:6.1061  No Pretensions to Originate Anything

• Machines will only do what they are told to do or programmed to do. 
• They cannot create their own original idea or thought.
• Ask it and it "searches" for something that matches the request.
• Does this basically mean that, answers are already "pre-programmed" and waiting to be searched out?
• So as human beings, are we "pre-programmed" with all the answers based on our genetic make up. 
• Are the answers stored in our "machine" waiting to be searched out?
• Can a computer think for itself?
• I do not know of any examples for this, but it does make me question now Artificial Intelligence. Are they capable of more than just thinking?
• There's a movie out there called "Her".  Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with the Artificial Life form that emerges from his computer. "She" is played by Scarlett Johansson.  Who would not fall in love with her voice or Joaquin and his amazingly stunning eyes?? There's an interesting connection that seems to form between Joaquin's Character and "Her".  It definitely pushes the envelope on this question of whether or not computers can think.  But of course it's all Hollywood, but an interesting twist on the idea none-the-less.

          Movie Trailer #1 - Her

• Teacher! I sense a field trip coming on??? In the name of science! or umm...in the name of curiosity! LOL

2.4:6.1069  Conditioned reflex

• The first thing that popped into my head was Pavlov and his dogs. (Sorry, Psychology was my favorite subject)
• Conditioned Response - Pavlov: voluntary to involuntary reactions/responses/reflexes (automatic after the learned condition).  Learned Habits?\
• A Baby that learn Sign Language
• Perhaps this is more along the lines of Pavlov's Dog Scenario.
• Baby is hungry.  Produce milk, give sign for milk, feed baby.
• At what point does the baby learn that it must sign "milk" when it wants some?  
• Does this Conditioned Response in turn condition your response?
• My truck has bluetooth built in, but I have to give it a stimuli (call Mom) and the "truck" has to recognize the stimulus, pull its matching information for that stimuli and I have to confirm or deny the actions.
• Is it going to eventually learn and think "hmmm...you haven't called your mom in a while...I'm calling her for you so that you may converse." ?? Not likely.
• It is only programmed to give a response once a stimuli is given first.  (it will not do what is not set in it's program.  It will call only when given that command.)
• Is this Conditioned Reflex?
• Will my truck stop calling the people I ask it to, if I only give a Conditioned Stimuli and now follow through Stimuli?
• How does this Conditioned response work with human sexuality?

• In Principle - Giving a stimulus & getting a response 
• Aren't people programmed?  We grow up and are taught (or programmed) right from wrong.  Our bodies are only capable of so much activity.  Do we eventually top out?  Do we re-program ourselves by learning?
• Does our DNA limit us?
• Is there such thing as fate? destiny?  is our life line already laid out for us?  If that's the case, are we limited by our programming?
• Is our destiny pre-planned?  (the 3 Fates)  How long is the thread of my life?  Are the Fates our "Programmers?"
• Computer vs. Human.
• Even if the computer has all the same information as the human, the computer is able to search through all possibilities and come up with an answer/response that might not be what we expected and therefore "surprise" us.
• Does this mean its response is always best?  Not always. Example - brain dead

So the brain has wandered immensely here...and I've come to realize that I've read the wrong section....blah!
________________________________________________________________________________

2.6.1658  STANISLAW LEM The Princess Ineffabelle

• Subtillion 
• Robot?  Sent to help King with his dreams or to live out his dreams.  
• Given human like characteristics..."disappointed" when the King returned and was not trapped in this "dream box"
• A dream within a dream.
• Sometimes was hard to tell if the story I was reading was actually the King telling me, or if we were going through his dream with him.
• Is it really so easy to conjure up a "digital" story to live out?  Like the Holodeck from Star Trek, except here you can walk into the "digital" story as yourself.
• It almost makes me wish I could have my dreams "created" so easily, however, at the cost of living a fake life versus true emotions, warmth, and connections?  No thank you.  I think the King decided the same.
• The King was tempted to leave his real life to have this imaginary life.  It ruins things.  On the opposite side of things, its like having this fake relationship digitally and when in real life it cannot be.  It leaves a void.  It hurts, but its not real.  How can something not real provide real hurt? -- Oops too deep!
• Again, this could fall into the same idea behind the movie I mentioned earlier... "Her".
• This ties back to The Imitation Game, "can machines think?" [2.4.863] or feel for that matter.
• Where does technology cross the line?
• On a psychological view point:
• This brings about a more "social" aspect to the psychology behind the story.
• Social Exchange Theory?  the benefits of real human emotions out weighed the "likeness", as the King put it, of his "digital" self. Moral concerns?
• He has fallen in love with an idea that he has read about and created in his mind.  The perfect mate?

________________________________________________________________________________

5.18.4857  STANISLAW LEM The Seventh Sally or How Trurl's Own Perfection Led to No Good.

I MAY COME BACK TO THIS LATER...MY MINDS SPINNING

• Things may come full circle.

• When I read the paragraph stating how Trurl came upon a chunk of rock that had someone jumping around on it... the first image that really popped into my head was a cartoon that I used to watch when I was younger called "The Little Prince".  The Story book itself was much better than the cartoons, but it brought back memories.  I don't quite remember how he came to be on that little asteroid (or how he was found) but I'm pretty sure he wasn't there to escape assassination. 

I love this quote:  "Our perfection is our curse..."

Sometimes, a good friend is all that is needed to help you see what you don't see.

I'm trying to understand the symbolism of King E becoming the moon...its late..brain is dead..

I will ponder upon this another day...

• Trurl wanted to help King E, but he seems to know the consequences of his returning to rule, so he find another way to help him.  He creates this tiny world full of people that simulate the human condition.  However, when his friend Klapaucius hears what he's done, he 

slight interruption...conversational vodka...

• "Fame, however, has this fault, that it says nothing of one's failures, even when those very failures are the product of a great perfection." [5.18.4857] How is it, if Trurl is this perfect mechanical being, that he doesn't see that the world he created for King E may do more than just "simulate" consciousness? These creations that simulate  "...births, loves, acts of heroism, and denunciations..." merely exist because he programmed them to. 
• It is isn't until Klapaucius starts to question him, and then starts pointing out their "similarities" to these so-called simulated minions that Trurl created.
• "And are we not as well, if you examine us physically, mechanistically, statistically, and meticulously..."  [5.18.4926]
• "Our perfection is our curse, for it draws down upon our every endeavor no end of unforeseeable consequences!" [5.18.4933]
• "Prove that you only imitated suffering, and did not create it!" [5.18.4950]
• From Klapaucius' standpoint, at what point can we determine what is real and what is not? 
• From what I've read, Trurl appears to be a being of good will.  This is evident when it is stated that he had "...no intentions of complying with this request of Excelsius, as doing so would bring about untold evil and suffering, yet at the same time he wished somehow to comfort and console the humiliated king." [5.18.4874]
• Klapaucius even states that Trurls "...intentions were the noblest [...] You always act first, think later." [5.18.4959]
• Trurl created the simulated world to keep the king from creating real havoc and suffering not think about the consequences the would spring forth from those beings.  This world was created to be "...so similar to a real kingdom, that no one, absolutely no one, could ever tell the difference, and is this, I am afraid, you were successful." [5.18.4959] 
• Trurl starts to see Klapaucius' point and rushes back to this asteroid to perhaps "rescue" or "un-create" what he has done.   Except he has found that the minions have freed themselves from the King's Rule and have begun to expand their world.
• Where these minions truly freed? or did they idolize this King?
• Does the King becoming the moon represent that these minions saw him as a God?

OMG!  Everytime I try to re-read this story to regather my thoughts, new thoughts and ideas jump out at me!  How in the world do I organize my thoughts LOL!

• How far do we take this idea?  
• genetically modified food?
• stem cell research?
• dna engineering?
• growing an ear on a rat?
• designer babies?
• nuclear energy?   ---> because of it uses, does this make the creator of this a criminal?  In the eyes of Klapaucius...probably!
• abortion? (a so called "un-creation")
• I guess this list could go on and on... 

________________________________________________________________________________

5.19.5024 STANISLAW LEM Non Serviam.

Updated 2-13-2014 - COMPLETED

Non Serviam - being the good Catholic girl that I am... This is usually used (well in the context of where I hear it) to serve God in the highest. So Non Serviam is to serve against God or to not serve in his name. Self-fish? To serve oneself and not God.

So now that I've interpreted the title...let's do some reading and see who my imagination is going to NOT serve :-P

• Is this Lem doing a book review of Dobbs?
• Evil Necessity? 
• Questioning his faith?
• Experimental Theogony - Study of God(s), religion?  Science vs. Religion?
• English school vs. American School?
• "...substance that is "mathematical. This substance...to be 'habitated' by personoids."  
• He is creating a world, programming it via a machine (computer).  Perhaps this mathematical substance he refers to is the binary code?
• They have no territorial limit, although they live confined to a box.
• They are attached to time as we are, with one exception; the experimenter / creator has direct control over.

• The only "limitations" these personoids are given is time.  One limitation which this so called creator has control over.  So these personoids control their own destiny so to speak.  They create their life, the create their beliefs, they create their own meaning to life, they do this themselves, not because of some "God-like" being.  A very existential way of going about things.  At least for these personoids. The "God-Like" being has other views...
• Perhaps my ideas of what existentialism is might be wrong or warped in some way.
• CAPTAIN...a little help here please.
• "...in other words, the world surrounding these beings takes on an unequivocal ness only in accordance with their behavior."  [5.19.5096]  
• In other words these beings are contriving meaning to the world created around them based on their ideas and decisions, not based on what this "creator" says.
• Give a person a passage to read and end up with MANY different interpretations of the same idea.

At this point, Lem begins to lose me a little...

• Coming into this world....born? Each have a "core" or "personal nucleus."
• Could this "core" or "personal nucleus" be a mathematical/mechanical version of a soul?
• No eyes, no limbs, no body - a blob of mathematical ectoplasm.

OMG I lost 2 days of blog here...idk why?? How the HELL does it revert back TWO days?!

•  I think its natural for a "human" to question their existence.  Where they came from, how did they get there, why were they put there, what is their purpose.  So if these personoids are "similar to man" why wouldn't they raise such existential questions as well?
• “...these struggles of a mentality made prey to the torment of such questions...”  [5.19.5159]  -- cruelty and immorality

• Their world is "fully rational" but they, themselves, are not rational.  Have a soul, but no body and no sense of corporeality....no sense of their own existence?  
• "...program a digital machine...to carry on a conversation..." Hello iPhone! Or should I say Siri?  To bad my iPad doesn't have a "Siri"  oooh the things I could talk about   :-P
• "...feeding into it...a personectic program..."  - Hello Hollywood! Who is going to tell poor Joaquin Phoenix that his "Samantha" does not exist?  Actually I think he knows she doesn't but has still fallen in love, or at least created such strong feelings for her, his computer (or whatever it is she might be).  When I first saw the previews for this, I wasn't sure how I felt about the movie. However, now I'm curious to see where this all goes.  I am sure the producer didn't have Lem in mind when he created this movie...or did he?  I guess the same could be said about iRobot and Sonny, or even going back to the 80's to Johnny 5 from short circuit.  Johnny 5 is alive.  Not Human, but a Life-form.  Life not a Malfunction!

• So I've been thinking about this passage I read for a while...What if we are stuck in this "so called" mechanical/mathematical environment and we have become the personoids.  Here's something interesting to think about:
• If this creator doesn't like his programming...does he wipe the "harddrive" and start over again? 
• New Personoids
• New Laws
• New Environment
• Is there any ties to the Bible with Noah and his Ark and the 40 days and nights of floods.
• Cleansing of the Earth
• Wiping of the Earth
• Removing bad "programming"

*** I was born and raised in a Catholic/Buddhist household and this has provided me with two different (yet similar) views of life...so I present another. No challenge to your faith.

• Behaviorists of Personetics - Give them free will to grow and develop as they please. Do not interfere.
• APHRON II and EROT - Allow these personoids to have "erotic contact"
• any correlation to Aphrodite and Eros?  God/Goddess of Love.
• Procreation, sexual endowment...
• What about sex just for pleasure..or is that not in the programming?
• Are these personoids going to procreate??  "...multiply sexually..." No multiplying when the Trojons come into play :-P
• American projects Vs. English projects? "...'progeny' by means of division..." Mathematical programming.
• "...there were periodic eliminations of the 'demographic surplus.'" - Perhaps a crude form of genocide.  I have to many, you must go...was this the American version or the English version?  I assume American.
• I understand when he says if an ungodly dies, all he loses is his life if God does not exist and if he does exist, he gains eternal life.  What happens to the godlies then?  Sure they lose their life if God does not exist, but when they pass on do then then lose their faith because Of what they believed to be really did not exist?  Of course that's assuming there is life after death.  What happens to their "core or personal nucleus" / soul then if God does not exist?  Does it just cease to exist?  Do they get recycled into the "programming language / mathematical substance" and get programmed into another personoid?  Isn't this "recycling" a form of "reincarnation" then?  Or does that not exist because God does not exist?

• The Catholic side of me was taught that there is heaven and hell.  The soul goes to either one.  There is no reincarnation.  When I was younger, I remember questioning about the Resurrection being a form of reincarnation. Reincarnation is being reborn or transmigration of the soul into a different body/form whereas, resurrection is of the soul only. You are the same being, but your body dies and you leave that "vessel" and carry on in another form in heaven or he'll.  if you are Catholic, you don't go straight to heaven fist, but to purgatory to cleanse yourself before passing through heavens gates. Assuming you are not destined for hell. LOL I'm grasping as straws here. This Catholic School girl is not as well versed As she should be.
• I was also taught that the body and soul are one.  This seems to go against what I read in the beginning of The Minds I where it seemed to state that body and the soul were two separate entities.  The soul was just "residing" in the body.  I believe he used the term "ghost in the machine."  Don't quote me on it because I can't seem to locate the specific page/location of this in my copy of the reading.
• The Buddhist side of me has been taught that we are reborn again in different "bodies."  Often times my mother tells me I am being punished for something I did in my past life.  :-P  Thanks mom!  My mother often takes me to temple to say prayers and get blessings.  She states that Buddha can forgive you for past sins, but in this "current life" you have to go to temple to make amends and show you are truly sorry and want to make things right.  My mother's English is not that good, so my translation of her translation isn't all the good.  I have so many amazing stories that I grew up with from my mother.  Doing bad is called bahb and doing good Tom boohn.  (phonetically I don't know if I am saying or spelling this right).  

I may not have the faith that most people would consider "appropriate" for being a "good Catholic" or a "good Buddhist", but its my faith and its good enough for me.  I think I went off track here LOL!

• So now the idea of proving His existence comes up.  This question has been asked since the beginning of time.  Why does God not prove his existence to his followers and put the non-believers (ungodlies) questions to rest?
• So now it comes to a question of faith.  Faith requires you to "believe" or "trust" in something which may not have any evidence to prove its existence.  Grab a firm hold of your convictions and hold them close.
• So then here's a question: what if God does prove his existence?  Will people still question their existence? What their purpose is? What is our meaning or place in this world? Will there be a mass conversion of non-believers to believers?
• From my personal experience, I think people will questioning things no matter what evidence or proof there might be.  If you try hard enough you can talk yourself out of or around anything no matter how much evidence or proof is presented. That is the nature of human beings and free will.

• "...such gratitude assumes the prior determination that God is not able to exist..." I'm not quite sure what they mean here.
• Since this God is a just God, he does not require our devotion and praise because he is not able to prove his existence? 
• When I said earlier that it sounded like Lem was questioning his faith...I take that back...it sounds like he is trying to provide evidence of his non-faith in "God".  If God wants reciprocity on his good-will (creation) he must prove himself to his beings first.  

THE TYPOS IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE HORRIBLE AND MAKE UNDERSTANDING MUCH MORE DIFFICULT WHEN YOU HAVE TO SIT THERE AND DECIPHER WHAT WAS REALLY BEING SAID.   BOOO!

• So I've been thinking about this passage I read for a while...What is we are stuck in this "so called" mechanical/mathematical environment and we have become the personoids.  Here's something interesting to think about:
• If this creator doesn't like his programming...does he wipe the "harddrive" and start over again? 
• New Personoids
• New Laws
• New Environment
• Is there any ties to the Bible with Noah and his Ark and the 40 days and nights of floods.
• Cleansing of the Earth
• Wiping of the Earth
• Removing bad "programming"

Personoids arguing their sides as to how they should "behave" towards this so-called "God" or creator.


I find it odd that he asks us to "take it on faith" when he discusses the activities of the personoids, but questions us taking "faith" in a God who has not proven he exists to us. Perhaps I am looking at this from the wrong point of view.

Seems to be an hidden message in most of his writings (at least the ones I've read)...we have all these great and advancing technology that everyone wants to use to make things better, but we never look far enough ahead to see what underlying ramifications can arise moral or immoral.  Often we do do do, and all of this is done with the best intentions and we possibly end up with ethical or moral dilemmas (again drawing back to the Seventh Sally).

His writing at time is very mechanical but it can be very descriptive and seductive to the senses.  Almost poetic.

I'm still thrown off by why he says..."For the fact that God exists, no gratitude to him is required..."

What happenes when one loses faith or has no faith....do you have "faith" that you will find faith again?

See new post - "Captain! Rudy! Kiss and Tell?! LOL!"

Re-Prioritizing Me...

So a new year and a new Focus.  Time to re-prioritize my eating habits and get out of "Holiday Mode." Oh..and re-prioritize my work out habits.  

Currently, the mode I'm in is "training." I'm preparing for my upcoming charity ride in the Tour de Palm Springs which will be taking place February 8th.  Their 15 mile ride was cancelled and as Murphy's law would have it... that just happens to be the one I had registered for back in October... :-P. Yeah I know, 15 miles doesn't sound like much, but for me, its a pretty good ride. Anyways, I decided the 10 mile ride wasn't really worth pursuing for my first time charity ride.  So...I have decided to "upgrade" to the 25 mile ride *gulp*. 

I've been doing some conditioning rides, both on my own and with my cycling group, to prepare myself for this next challenge on my journey.  The journey to find a new ME.  However, the most I've ridden is 20 miles and during the last few miles, I do a few stops and sometimes I find a few choice words to express myself LOL. So, I'm guessing 25 miles will find me a new vocabulary and a new love/hate relationship will form. How romantic!!

An Angel Returns Home

We lost an Angel today.  He was a wonderful man who made it his mission to make everyone smile each day.  He brought many smiles and joyous laughter to my life.  Although I only knew him for two years, he has made a huge impact on my life and to those children whose lives he touched everyday! 

Until We Meet Again Dear Friend!

Philippians 4:7 – And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am left alone with my thoughts....

Alone with my thoughts...its a scary thing sometimes...Ahh...what lovely ramblings at such ungodly hours of the night...
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Hi, I'm looking for "Me". Have you seen me around lately? While I search, tell me about yourself...I want to know you...
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Its 1am. I'm alone. Alone on the couch. Its chilly out here. I have nothing but my socks and my long night shirt to keep me warm. The cat sits on the arm of my recliner and stares at me. This is her favorite position. If its not me that she stares at, its him. I go grab a blanket and allow myself to reflect on the days events.

I spent a good portion of the afternoon with a friend whom I've not seen in a while. She talks about how her life has been meaningless the last few months, and goes on to explain how she was at a point where she felt as if it wasn't worth continuing to live as she does. She assures me that she has gotten past that, but she needed to tell someone. We hugged and I held her hand as we spoke. I told her, I was at a low point in my life as well not to long ago. "He" and I had and issues a little over 2 years ago. Not the first. There was a point where I couldn't understand why it was happening to me again. Yes...to me. It made me question everything I knew about me and about us. I then told her, that I sat there and swallowed a handful of pain killers. It was shortly followed up by me throwing it all up. I sat there and thought to myself..."Huh, even this I can't do right." He found me. He wasn't happy. I sat there and spit up half digested pill capsules. Some intact others broken.  Half crying. Half laughing. He wanted to take me to the hospital. I refused. I just wanted to go home and ...sleep...and, possibly to never wake up.

Why do I choose to re-live such a painful point in my life? Maybe I'm a dumb ass, but I thought, if she knew that I could truly relate to her pain, I might be able to help her see beyond the darkness that seems to stain everything.

I've not really been a good friend. I don't keep in touch like I should. I don't call just to say hello and see how things are. My mother complains I don't show my face anymore. I've allowed myself to get walled in. I'm scared that if I'm not diligent and remain observant of my so-called life that *I* will allow pain to creep back in. I wont go there again. I can't. I'm strong but weak. I wont win this time.

Surround yourself with people you trust. Find new environments, new experiences, new memories, new feelings, new emotions, new silliness, new fellowship, new laughter. Expand your universe, but don't let it take control over you. Allow for new freedoms, but remember where you belong. At home. With your family. Its good to get out, even if just for an hour. Let yourself go. You might discover things that can add to your happiness.

I'm not implying that you should go rob a bank because money makes you happy :-P Lets be smart about this shall we?

Don't allow yourself to get walled in. Step out of that little bubble you've created. Find the little things that can add meaning to your life. Accessorize! De-Stressorize! (Is that a word? well it is now!)

I'm working on that for me....

I believe things happen for a reason. I stub my toe for a reason. I go to work for a reason. I get dizzy for a reason (although my doctors don't know the reason). I swallowed a handful of pain killers only to throw it all back up....FOR A REASON. People come into my life for a reason.

To the people in my life. I believe there is a reason we were brought together. For whatever that reason is, I am grateful.

Thank you for sticking with me...

                                      "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.
                                      It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another 
                                      human being. We should all be thankful for those people
                                      who rekindle the inner spirit" ~Albert Schweitzer
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Hi, I'm looking for "Me". Have you seen me around lately? While I search, tell me about yourself...I want to know you...

Questions That Have Questions....

I've been questioning things a lot lately...weird questions...questions that lead to off the wall questions...the questions never stop...

One question leads to another question...and then I end up with so many tangents, so many unanswered questions. I need to shut my brain off... **flipping channels**