Random thoughts...

** warning no direction to this post **

Brain is on overload...This year has dealt me a funny card. Prepare for written  diarrhea of the mouth!

So, I finally got the follow through on something I've been asking about for years.  But, I feel guilty.  Guilty for making his struggles worse, guilty for questioning my loyalty, guilty for feeling guilty.

Flipping through so many thoughts right now....

I lost my husband again.  The new meds have put him right back to where he was before he started this journey...WITHOUT the suicidal thoughts.  I'm sad again.

I was planning to do this big summer travel where we would fly out to Georgia to visit my father in law, but he passed away in October.  Then from Georgia we would fly out to New York to visit my Uncle and God Mother. I lost her 3 weeks ago. From there, our last stop would be Ohio to see my sisters. Finally back home.

Am I a curse?

I have a friend, of 9 years,  just tell me that everything he's spoken to me about has been a lie. Well not everything...just 90% of everything as if that made it better. He then proceeded to tell me how he hated Indian people beause of this and that. His wife cheated on him with a guy he thought was his friend (of Indian heritage). Then begs me to tell him that Im not Indian.  WTF?  Is he afraid I will ask his wife about the affair? We are friends and I have her on facebook. The affair is their business not mine. Besides, I know so much...if I wanted to...I could blabbed years ago. Im not a bitch.

He has not spoken to me since October. 

What the hell is wrong with people?

Is my "friendship" that easily disposable?

Im sure this post has taken several tangents...but theres so much going on in my head right now.

I feel abandoned.

Goodbye.