He described...

So... I've started this post over and over a hundred times and I've deleted it a hundred times.

But it haunts me.

My husband, on several occasions, has described in detail, the thoughts that go through his mind when he is thinking about killing himself. 

*heavy sigh*

He onces told me that he had felt he had disappointed me so much that at 2 am he walked himself to the kitchen. He walked past the dogs to the medicine cabinet and looked over all his pills. He thought out the process of swallowing each and every pill he had.

About a week or two ago, he told me about the time he had gotten up... maybe 3 am...  because he had laid in bed thinking about a specific extension cord in our garage that he could hang himself with. Then the next day he packed up the extension cords and took them to storage. He gave such details... it was scary.

I dont sleep well. Every move he makes, I often wake up wondering if he is going to hurt himself. 

I dont want to tell him... I dont want to give him a reason for anxiety.

.....