My Dreams...

I spoke with a friend today about my dreams. Actually, I think I was trying to help him with a situation and I kinda of brought it up. I was trying to make a point *laughs* that sometimes past emotions can be stirred up by external stimuli no matter how far you distance yourself. For me, I thought that maybe a certain stimuli going on in my life may have started a problem for me again...my dreams...

Depressed. Sleep Deprived. Walking Zombie. Frightened. Again!

I've never spoken about this dream to anyone except my mother, and a monk. It's possible that I may have told my sister, but I don't remember if I did or not. I was actually shaking when I shared such an emotional dream with him. I've shared a lot with him. It's weird. I trust him. He gave me some "dream analysis" help. I only see what seems like 10 minutes worth of this dream before I wake up. Yet hours have passed. He makes sense though. He wanted to know if I had any doubts, but in the end, he stated that I may have had fear put in me from a previous "dream analysis" given to me by a monk. I never really thought of it that way. Perhaps, the image that I see is actually a symbol of myself at the age that I am now. He made a suggestion that I should try to get myself to see the rest of my dream. I need to put aside that fear, or whatever it is that's holding me back. I need to some how change the situation just before my dream resets and starts over. How do you bring you conscious into your subconscious? After 13 years of the same dream, the same replay, the same short 10 minute script that usually ended up with me waking up, heart racing, and at times crying. Can I really control my dreams? I think if I was strong enough to do that, I would have done that by now. You think? I don't want this dream. I don't want to see it again. I can't make it stop!

Maybe he's right. I'm scared. I'm scared of what a previous analysis has said. It's rooted in my mother's culture, my culture. He has mentioned the fear in my dreams, and my fear of the water. I do. I have to get over it. Scary...even as I write this blog, I feel the shivers of fear rising in me. My fear of the water... I am working on that. I never told him. I took a harbor cruise in San Diego. It was a big boat. The hardest part was getting onto the boat. I had to hide my face, hide my tears, but I got on that boat. That's another story for another time.

At least with the water, I know what I'm fighting. This dream though. Why? Why is it back? What stirred it up? What does it mean? Is Yi warning me? Does she not approve of what I'm doing, will do, have done? How do I fight what I don't know?

At least I slept ok last night. I'm so exhausted though. I'm not really thinking clearly.