I want to feel...?

I'm testing out my wireless modem tonight. It's a bit cool, but I'm sitting out here on the back patio near the pool, under the stars. I have to say, I have some pretty good reception!

I sit here on a most beautiful, clear night and the strangest feeling has come over me. I feel lonely. How is it possible?? I'm newly married, yet I feel so far away from him. I'm sitting outside, looking into my house. I see the animals relaxing, and the man... on the couch with his remote. He hasn't said to much to me today. I've actually been "hiding" out here for the past 2 hours. Does he know where I am? Does he even realize that I've not been "around" for the last few hours? Does he care?

We've had another fight. Over the smallest thing. It seems we have those a lot lately. I got upset with him because I was tired of him coming home and competely ignoring me. I at least ask how his day was, how did his projects go, and how he was feeling...He's very short with me. I sat there for a bit, thinking he might inquire about my day. But, he wanted to know what I wanted to do for dinner. At that point, I didn't feel much like thinking about food or going out to get food. He got grumpy about it. I told him I felt like I was just in the way for him and that I felt unappreciated. I told him I felt like he was happy with me as long as I came home from work and got out of his way. He got upset and said he doesn't know why I feel that way. I didn't want to start a fight about this...I just walked away. What I really wanted to do was drive off. If I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, I should have driven myself to San Diego and stayed by myself for the weekend. I'm getting all worked up just typing this out.

How do I explain how I feel? I feel emptiness. I feel loneliness. How someone feels when the love of their life has to go away for a few days. Of course when their love comes back you get that bubbly, butterfly, happy-making feeling again. I'm still waiting to feel bubbly.

I feel stupid for bitching about such a silly, small thing...but it's pretty much been like this for a while now. I really hate fighting over stupid stuff. It's driving me crazy and maybe it's driving me away?!

Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping very well. My dreams...ugh!

I want to feel...bubbly again.