Alone with my thoughts...its a scary thing sometimes...Ahh...what lovely ramblings at such ungodly hours of the night...
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Hi, I'm looking for "Me". Have you seen me around lately? While I search, tell me about yourself...I want to know you...
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Its 1am. I'm alone. Alone on the couch. Its chilly out here. I have nothing but my socks and my long night shirt to keep me warm. The cat sits on the arm of my recliner and stares at me. This is her favorite position. If its not me that she stares at, its him. I go grab a blanket and allow myself to reflect on the days events.
I spent a good portion of the afternoon with a friend whom I've not seen in a while. She talks about how her life has been meaningless the last few months, and goes on to explain how she was at a point where she felt as if it wasn't worth continuing to live as she does. She assures me that she has gotten past that, but she needed to tell someone. We hugged and I held her hand as we spoke. I told her, I was at a low point in my life as well not to long ago. "He" and I had and issues a little over 2 years ago. Not the first. There was a point where I couldn't understand why it was happening to me again. Yes...to me. It made me question everything I knew about me and about us. I then told her, that I sat there and swallowed a handful of pain killers. It was shortly followed up by me throwing it all up. I sat there and thought to myself..."Huh, even this I can't do right." He found me. He wasn't happy. I sat there and spit up half digested pill capsules. Some intact others broken. Half crying. Half laughing. He wanted to take me to the hospital. I refused. I just wanted to go home and ...sleep...and, possibly to never wake up.
Why do I choose to re-live such a painful point in my life? Maybe I'm a dumb ass, but I thought, if she knew that I could truly relate to her pain, I might be able to help her see beyond the darkness that seems to stain everything.
I've not really been a good friend. I don't keep in touch like I should. I don't call just to say hello and see how things are. My mother complains I don't show my face anymore. I've allowed myself to get walled in. I'm scared that if I'm not diligent and remain observant of my so-called life that *I* will allow pain to creep back in. I wont go there again. I can't. I'm strong but weak. I wont win this time.
Surround yourself with people you trust. Find new environments, new experiences, new memories, new feelings, new emotions, new silliness, new fellowship, new laughter. Expand your universe, but don't let it take control over you. Allow for new freedoms, but remember where you belong. At home. With your family. Its good to get out, even if just for an hour. Let yourself go. You might discover things that can add to your happiness.
I'm not implying that you should go rob a bank because money makes you happy :-P Lets be smart about this shall we?
Don't allow yourself to get walled in. Step out of that little bubble you've created. Find the little things that can add meaning to your life. Accessorize! De-Stressorize! (Is that a word? well it is now!)
I'm working on that for me....
I believe things happen for a reason. I stub my toe for a reason. I go to work for a reason. I get dizzy for a reason (although my doctors don't know the reason). I swallowed a handful of pain killers only to throw it all back up....FOR A REASON. People come into my life for a reason.
To the people in my life. I believe there is a reason we were brought together. For whatever that reason is, I am grateful.
Thank you for sticking with me...
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.
It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another
human being. We should all be thankful for those people
who rekindle the inner spirit" ~Albert Schweitzer
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Hi, I'm looking for "Me". Have you seen me around lately? While I search, tell me about yourself...I want to know you...
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