Trust...

I had a former student from a few years back email me the other day.   We still kinda keep in touch because I'm friends with her aunt (who raises her) and see her from time to time when I go over.  She thanked me for all the things I’ve done for her. She was a shy, sweet, heavy set girl who had a hard time making friends. She was also lesbian and she came out to me first before speaking with her aunt.  I guess she found comfort in talking with me.  She would always ask to help me with stuff in the classroom and run little errands for me.  I saw a lot of me in her and I told her this about me in my last email to her:

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People assume a lot from your actions.  I can be silly, crazy, weird and childish at times but I’m still shy and very quiet.  I can be quite awkward and am often nervous.  Am I ever not nervous? I don’t think so.  Do I ever “come around” ?  Yes.  It takes time for me to break out of my shell.  Those people who are willing to stick around for that are the ones you should treasure.  

I’m usually the last to be picked, the last to be thought of, and very rarely invited to do things.  I’m not very outgoing, and my ability to keep a conversation going is about as dead as a door nail.  I’m SUPER horrible at keeping in touch.  That doesn’t make me any less of a person or a friend and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care about others and that doesn't make me not put others first before me. I'm just more careful at who I chose to do that for now.

My shyness and how quiet I am makes things hard.  It is because of this I have to work twice as hard as most people to stay in the social loop.  I’m one of the nicest people you might ever meet.  Often though, I end up getting walked over, taken advantage of, used and abused.

You have to understand, people are going to judge you no matter what.  So be the person you want to be, and not the person they want you to be.  If they can’t accept you for you, its not YOU that’s not worth a damn…its them.

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I laughed when she said I must be a party animal by now.  Too bad I’m still shy, quiet and out of the loop!  LOL But I’m trying, and that’s what counts!  

Being shy and quiet does not mean that is all there is to you.  I wish people would look beyond that and give me a chance. I have a lot to offer just as she has a lot.  Loyalty, trust and kindness is what keeps people around. I have a lot of that to offer, but I try to be careful because people take advantage of that. Stay guarded.

I had a friend ask me the other day.. Why do I trust him?  Because it is in my nature, but it doesn't come in the blink of an eye.  Finding someone to share your "weirdness" and "deep secrets" with is hard to come by. Why would I ruin something like that? We kinda got thrown into a situation that sorta required trust right off the bat and I haven't had a reason to feel betrayed. Especially with the information we've both shared with each other.  How I decided to give that trust....idk it was a feeling. He's protective of himself and his family as am I.  Why would we share such potentially hazardous information with each other if we didn't feel that level of trust? Why risk it? Am I wrong? Or perhaps I am a dumbass like S said I was?

*stepping off my semi-soap box". Ok...who wants to have a beer with me??