Suicidal Tendencies?? or are you just testing me??

My heart breaks when you say I don't care.

My heart breaks when you say I'm not loving enough.

My heart breaks when you say I'm not supportive enough.

• I don't care that you are safe.  That is why I told you that you needed to leave before HE came home and turned on you like he did to your son.

• I don't care if you love him.  That is why I told you that you cannot abandon him in his hour of need, but that you still needed to protect yourself.

• I don't care if you want to do die.  That is why I threatened to call the police to check on you.

• I don't care about your problems. That is why I spent 4 hours on the phone with you and another 2 hours texting when I told you I was in bed already.

• I don't love you.  That is why threatened to call the police when you threatened to down a bottle of pills and vodka.

• I don't love you.  That is why my heart breaks when you say you don't want to go on.

What a fucking horrible friend I am.  You should have abandoned me years ago.  

I should come with a warning label:

"Warning: Will cause you nothing but heartache and will be a waste your valuable time.  Does not care, give support, and make any attempts to love you back. No loyalty shown EVER."

What is wrong with me?

I am not that person...am I?

...and now you text me... "I love you. You're a good friend. Lets grab dinner and a movie.  I'll ttyl."

WTF?  Not more than 5 minutes ago I was the worst friend in the world who didn't give a rats ass about you.  That or you are trying to diffuse the threat of me calling the cops on you to ensure that you are not a danger to yourself.

Was this a test?  Did I pass?

Perhaps I should just abandon myself...I'm confused.

Fuck. I can't sleep :(  

Suicide...its not the answer.  I've been down that road. I still have nightmares from it and my battle wounds, and trust me, I still think about it from time to time.  But I'm stronger now and I have my avenues to deal with it. 

If you have to test my loyalties, then in all those years we've known each other, you never knew me at all.  You treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Friend, Lover, or Enemy.  I don't live my life that way.  Its not in my nature. Its not worth the drama that follows it.

My loyalty is without contestation.  PERIOD. 

So....why is it I feel like a dumbass?

Someone save me...I'm worth it... I promise!